Parent dynamics in a team? Confused dad.

[Unregistered]

My daughter is new to the team and we are new to the big club. In 3 months, she played in four summer tournaments and scored 14 goals/6 assists. Coach said that she was becoming an impact player. Sound great, right?

My daughter was excluded from couple outings during the last tournament. I found
out when a nicer parent asked us where we were. I guess she was excluded from many
team bonding events from last three tournaments. My wife is on the warpath and
said, "Those b**ches!" Yikes. I want to avoid mom drama, but it appears unavoidable.

Is this pretty normal for moms to scheme to exclude certain players from events?
Any insights? This is really odd and weird for me.

[Unregistered]

My daughter is new to the team and we are new to the big club. In 3 months, she played in four summer tournaments and scored 14 goals/6 assists. Coach said that she was becoming an impact player. Sound great, right?

My daughter was excluded from couple outings during the last tournament. I found
out when a nicer parent asked us where we were. I guess she was excluded from many
team bonding events from last three tournaments. My wife is on the warpath and
said, "Those b**ches!" Yikes. I want to avoid mom drama, but it appears unavoidable.

Is this pretty normal for moms to scheme to exclude certain players from events?
Any insights? This is really odd and weird for me.

Stick with the nice parents. Sounds awful. If it gets to your daughter, and not just your wife, there are always options with other clubs.

[Unregistered]

I would say there could be a few things at play here (my daughter has joined a new higher team for 3 years strait and has had to adjust to new teammates each year.

First of all, is your daughter the ONLY new player on the team? If so, is she also the ONLY player not included in team bonding events? Sometimes, gatherings at tournaments are a last minute, pick up type situations, and if you and/or daughter were not standing with others when plans were being devised, you are just not included because of that. Some of it is also a function of her (and your) personalities. My daughter is very social and outgoing and will get to know and befriend teammates quickly. I am also very willing to reach out to new parents and chat with them. This makes it easier and quicker to assimilate. If neither of you are like this, it might just take time to happen and once the season begins it might happen more naturally as you all get to know people.

That being said, if it's an organized official get-together (either mandated by coach or through manager, all players should always be invited. If that is not happening, reach out to coach.

[Unregistered]

I would say there could be a few things at play here (my daughter has joined a new higher team for 3 years strait and has had to adjust to new teammates each year.

First of all, is your daughter the ONLY new player on the team? If so, is she also the ONLY player not included in team bonding events? Sometimes, gatherings at tournaments are a last minute, pick up type situations, and if you and/or daughter were not standing with others when plans were being devised, you are just not included because of that. Some of it is also a function of her (and your) personalities. My daughter is very social and outgoing and will get to know and befriend teammates quickly. I am also very willing to reach out to new parents and chat with them. This makes it easier and quicker to assimilate. If neither of you are like this, it might just take time to happen and once the season begins it might happen more naturally as you all get to know people.

That being said, if it's an organized official get-together (either mandated by coach or through manager, all players should always be invited. If that is not happening, reach out to coach.

First, it is not the job of the coach to make sure that team bonding includes all the kids on the team. If the manager is a parent then maybe they could intervene or say something. Sometimes it starts with the parents. If the OP and his wife are not friendly with the rest of the 'bitches' then that might be contributing....especially if the OP and his wife are not very friendly themselves. Although it would be nice if the old 'neighbors' would bring an 'apple pie' over to the new 'neighbors' as a welcoming gift, it just might not happen. The OP and his wife might have to initiate the process.

Its a dog-eat-dog world, and girls soccer is really pathetically petty, but if your daughter is a good player maybe she is taking the place of one of the 'established' players and the girl and/or her parents are a bit upset by it...

If your daughter is friendly with some of the other players then they might be able to make plans outside of practices and games. That might be a start.

If all of that doesn't work, and your daughter has a nice group of friends at home, then she can simply head back home after games and practices and enjoy the company of those that she is already 'bonded' with.

[Unregistered]

I would say there could be a few things at play here (my daughter has joined a new higher team for 3 years strait and has had to adjust to new teammates each year.

First of all, is your daughter the ONLY new player on the team? If so, is she also the ONLY player not included in team bonding events? Sometimes, gatherings at tournaments are a last minute, pick up type situations, and if you and/or daughter were not standing with others when plans were being devised, you are just not included because of that. Some of it is also a function of her (and your) personalities. My daughter is very social and outgoing and will get to know and befriend teammates quickly. I am also very willing to reach out to new parents and chat with them. This makes it easier and quicker to assimilate. If neither of you are like this, it might just take time to happen and once the season begins it might happen more naturally as you all get to know people.

That being said, if it's an organized official get-together (either mandated by coach or through manager, all players should always be invited. If that is not happening, reach out to coach.

Your first comment has been our experience. People make plans with folks at the last minute rush. Let's go to Dunkin between games; lets go to Outback for dinner.

They aren't official team building events. They aren't excluding people yet they being inclusive. Invite yourself and you should be fine

[Unregistered]

Gold

I would say there could be a few things at play here (my daughter has joined a new higher team for 3 years strait and has had to adjust to new teammates each year.

First of all, is your daughter the ONLY new player on the team? If so, is she also the ONLY player not included in team bonding events? Sometimes, gatherings at tournaments are a last minute, pick up type situations, and if you and/or daughter were not standing with others when plans were being devised, you are just not included because of that. Some of it is also a function of her (and your) personalities. My daughter is very social and outgoing and will get to know and befriend teammates quickly. I am also very willing to reach out to new parents and chat with them. This makes it easier and quicker to assimilate. If neither of you are like this, it might just take time to happen and once the season begins it might happen more naturally as you all get to know people.

That being said, if it's an organized official get-together (either mandated by coach or through manager, all players should always be invited. If that is not happening, reach out to coach.

Good advice until the last line, IMO - very much depends on the coach if you want to reach out over an off-field snub. Be strong, confident, and don't let this upset y'all. Make sure your kid is a good teammate and you and spouse are being good supporters - of your whole team. No, of your whole club! There are other good folks on your team, if it's as bad as you fear, they are just lying low - you'll find each other...

[Unregistered]

Your first comment has been our experience. People make plans with folks at the last minute rush. Let's go to Dunkin between games; lets go to Outback for dinner.

They aren't official team building events. They aren't excluding people yet they being inclusive. Invite yourself and you should be fine

It is hard to coordinate groups of three or four, let alone a whole team. Plus if there is an activity at someone's home, they may not be able to accommodate the whole team. My daughter is there for the soccer. If the social aspect works out great. If there is unhealthy competition on the team, or mean girl stuff, that is not where I want my child. I also don't see the need to have my kid included in everything.

[Unregistered]

Like many we've been new ro more than a few teams and clubs. Make an effort in the fall to hang out with parents at practice, even if just for a few minutes of small talk. Next tourney, early on, say something like "Hey does anyone have plans for lunch? That place ________ near the field looks interesting.

It can take longer the higher up the food chain you go but definitely girls parents are more insecure than on the boys side (except DA).

[Unregistered]

My daughter is new to the team and we are new to the big club. In 3 months, she played in four summer tournaments and scored 14 goals/6 assists. Coach said that she was becoming an impact player. Sound great, right?

My daughter was excluded from couple outings during the last tournament. I found
out when a nicer parent asked us where we were. I guess she was excluded from many
team bonding events from last three tournaments. My wife is on the warpath and
said, "Those b**ches!" Yikes. I want to avoid mom drama, but it appears unavoidable.

Is this pretty normal for moms to scheme to exclude certain players from events?
Any insights? This is really odd and weird for me.

Entirely normal if your daughter has been such a prolific scorer and will become the major contributor on the team. Envy has reared its ugly head with the parents already. My advice is, have your daughter continue her scoring prowess and ignore the drama and non invitations. Your daughter sounds like she'll be moving on to better and bigger things after one season. DAP or ECNL is in the future for her. Just laugh it off.

[Unregistered]

My daughter met a very similar, icy reception when she joined a new club. And it carried over to the field with players not passing to her because she was new and taking playing time away from existing players. The coach noticed in the first game, warned and then ripped out his star player, and on the field was never a problem. Off field was tougher, and never really great. My daughter just smiled and played and concluded these were teammates, not best friends.

[Unregistered]

I would be more concerned with 4 tournaments in three months ? Any team playing that many tournaments is going to be a complete mess.

[Unregistered]

My daughter met a very similar, icy reception when she joined a new club. And it carried over to the field with players not passing to her because she was new and taking playing time away from existing players. The coach noticed in the first game, warned and then ripped out his star player, and on the field was never a problem. Off field was tougher, and never really great. My daughter just smiled and played and concluded these were teammates, not best friends.

My kid sucks, but was asked to join this special elite team to round out the roster. He has not played a minute during the preseason and sits on the edge of the bench by himself. Should we host a bonding party to help him be accepted? Husband is so worried...

[Unregistered]

4 Tournaments over the summer seems high for a Big Club unless the team was playing in (national) events they "earned" from spring. Can we assume this is true? if so, can we assume that Birth Year and normal yearly changes had an impact? This would mean new-to-club players (your D) were eligible and included along with "legacy" players who continued team run but are not continuing as same group next year. Lots of potential sensitivities in this scenario, and maybe they were being considerate, just to their old teammates first.

While the above may make a conscious exclusion plausible, I think it is just as likely that it comes down to the group message. Most people just reply to the (old) one on their phone and unknowingly perpetuate a communication that excludes some. Happens with both parents and girls.

My wife is a mama-bear as well, and I have to remind her that mist of the time it's not as personal as she imagines it. With the actual season starting everything should sort itself out. If social connectedness matters, you/she will need to make an effort too.

[Unregistered]

Entirely normal if your daughter has been such a prolific scorer and will become the major contributor on the team. Envy has reared its ugly head with the parents already. My advice is, have your daughter continue her scoring prowess and ignore the drama and non invitations. Your daughter sounds like she'll be moving on to better and bigger things after one season. DAP or ECNL is in the future for her. Just laugh it off.

Precisely, screw the teammates. Play for yourself and move on. It's a sport that she is playing at a high level, continue to be dominant, who cares about the social events.

[Unregistered]

My kid sucks, but was asked to join this special elite team to round out the roster. He has not played a minute during the preseason and sits on the edge of the bench by himself. Should we host a bonding party to help him be accepted? Husband is so worried...

I know your trying to be funny but life is much easier for children you're describing. No one treats those kids badly. Not their peer group and not their parents. Having a child like the poster's daughter is much more challenging.