Originally posted by Unregistered
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A letter to Coach
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Unregistered
Toxic personalities (players and parents) can rip a team apart. A savvy coach sees it and at least tries to fix it. But many coaches aren't savvy and/or the behavior may be outside his view (social media/chat groups etc). Since it gets worse in middle school, players should try to self-advocate, preferably bringing in other players into the discussion with the coach to show it isn't just one player. It's a tough spot to be in because you don't want to seem whiny or a complainer. But if a coach allows behavior like that to continue and it's negatively impacting the experience then look elsewhere. Life is short, who needs that garbage?
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Unregistered
Exclusionary behavior by girls carries right into college. While it can be toxic, it is a fact of life, and kids have to learn to deal with it. The stories my daughters have shared with me over the years are incredible. Guys can be jerks, but the crap girls pull on each other for relatively minor stuff is at another level.
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostExclusionary behavior by girls carries right into college. While it can be toxic, it is a fact of life, and kids have to learn to deal with it. The stories my daughters have shared with me over the years are incredible. Guys can be jerks, but the crap girls pull on each other for relatively minor stuff is at another level.
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostTeamsmanship (as opposed to sportsmanship) is the art of being the best teammate a player can be. The reasons are obvious, yet too little emphasis is put on this as parents and coaches work to develop young players as athletes. They should also be thinking about developing them into young adults with character.
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Originally posted by Unregistered View PostAgreed. Right onto the cut list.
Hi Coach,
I just spoke with Sensitive Suzie's mom. We lost her due to cliques and Mean Girl behavior. I know how much you value Teamsmanship and getting the girls to work together. Obviously, I don't know the whole story, just sharing what I heard.
Thanks
Concise Mom
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Unregistered
My kid went through it, and some others did as well, as they tried to crack the "A" team. She had her battles, tears on the sidelines and all, but wouldn't give in. As she played more and more, she finally got integrated and while it took some time, she's part of the group now. When she plays down, I am constantly cautioning her to make sure she remembers what it was like. I also tell her that her teammates now will NOT be the stars of their future teams. I'm sure I'm 99% accurate in that as well. So, eventually, they will feel what it's like to carry the ball bag. Hopefully it goes smoother for them then.
A few teammates are actually declining opportunities to play with the group over it. They've noticed how my daughter is, and when I told their 'rents she went through it...they couldn't believe it. "She always seems so strong". I had to correct them that no matter how strong kids act, at this age (pre-teen) they are sensitive and too worried about others. They only way to get through it is to prove you belong.
This isn't a new thing. It's been going on for as long as I can remember...and it's not just soccer. It's any type of group activity.
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Unregistered
I should add...we never went to, nor considered, going to the Coach or other parents. She had to figure it out on her own. And, even though she was 10, she was adamant that I not intervene.
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View Postdidn't even bother reading it. don't send letters to a coach.
Please don't talk to the coach, please talk to the team manager, don't question anything the coach does, how dare you think you could possibly be as smart or know anything about kicking a ball around as our Professional Coach does. HAHAHAHA you silly people paying thousands of dollars to these BUSINESSES. Pay your fees and be quiet or go somewhere else. There will always be some new fool thinking their kid will be one of the chosen ones.
Let me ask you, why should paying customers not send letters to a coach? Is it because they will be exposed as the incompetent fools they know they are or is it their narcissism won't allow it?
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Unregistered
Because your kid needs to grow a set, that's why you shouldn't involve the coach. Kids can be tough, but if they belong skill-wise, they'll accept them. If not? Move on. There's 5 billion people out there and we all aren't going to agree.
When does it end?
Rough time at the school dance? Write a letter to the chaperone.
Issues at the college dorm? RA gets as talking to.
Hard time integrating at the new job for Big Corp, because they replaced SlackerSteve that everybody loved, but was useless? By all means, e-mail to the HR VP is in order.
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostGood points, horribly communicated.
Hi Coach,
I just spoke with Sensitive Suzie's mom. We lost her due to cliques and Mean Girl behavior. I know how much you value Teamsmanship and getting the girls to work together. Obviously, I don't know the whole story, just sharing what I heard.
Thanks
Concise Mom
What the hell happened to team chemistry...must be all those sports management degrees at work.
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostBlah, blah, blah!
Daughter didn't play much so blame everyone else.
What a load of rubbish. More overprotective bull****.
Go Play town.
Sad......sad is what this reply is. A reply from one of the parents with the clique daughter. First, this is a the type of parent that is part of the problem that might even see the cliques and isolations but cherishes it when his kid is part of the larger group.
Second, I would hope every parent is protective of their child and figures out a way to get their child to a point of feeling great about being out on what ever field or in whatever arena they are in.
The OP story is also third hand. However, it doesn't really matter who is telling the story, it is a real phenomena and what that is necessary. To be sure, it is not limited to girls as my son has gone through it as well. There are several levels to this and one should not minimize the role of the coach. Kids and teenagers are going to be who they are as they develop socially. There will always be leaders and followers and the 'alpha-male' exist for girls as well as for boys. The situation is more harsh when the larger group starts the teasing further isolates the 'runt' of the litter. Kids are not different than a pack of animals. While the 'alphas' are trying to exert their authority, the runts become the target of negative commentary. Developmentally, this is how kids try to get around their own insecurities and doubts.....by making someone else look bad. It is a pathologic way to develop and somewhat reflective of the parents.....like the one above.
If it is your kid who has been isolated, there are three ways around it. The easiest way, and what was done in this OP story, is to remove the child. Although it does depend on how much the child is 'suffering' or hates it, however, this route does not teach your child anything other than quitting. Although it can be misconstrued as 'if you don't like something just walk away', it does not teach someone how to handle adversity nor how to become more accepted.
A second route is to talk to the coach or the assistant coach. By and large, this is an under-appreciated part of the problem and more so for younger kids (10-14) who have not really developed leaders with maturity or proper direction. The coaches, however, are supposed to be mature leaders. To see it and do nothing is irresponsible. Although the role of the coaches is to teach soccer skill and the game, they are also supposed to promote the 'team' and incorporate all. To do anything less is a failure of the coach. The coach is supposed to support each kid equally and provide a developing environment. Anything less is a failure of the coach. To go one level lower, in my kids case, the coach was teasing the 'runt' as well. When I approached the assistant coach about this, I was told that they didn't get involved in the social aspects of the team.
The third route is to teach your child how to deal with adversity. Assuming that your kid really enjoys the game and isn't on the field to satisfy the parent, then the lesson can be taught and can be very valuable. The parent has to be the support structure for the kid since the coaches and teammates are not providing that for him/her. When the game is no longer fun then development suffers and the kid spirals downward. When the player no longer feels free to play the game, try new things, and risk making mistakes then development is lost. For us, my kid and I kicked around more which provided the more 'fun' part. It is up to the parent to help develop confidence and security. Some kids have it naturally, and many more don't. When she went to practices, I instructed to 'prove to all the others that she was as good' and if there were any doubts that she 'should prove them and the coaches wrong'. To do so included an increase in necessary and appropriate aggressiveness during practices and games. This might even include more physical play and perhaps directed more at one of the more vocal teammates.....the loud-mouth (child of the above poster). Although this might sound like negative teaching it is simply a way to remove self fear and to remove insecurity. From this point on, my kid played much better, became a more significant part of the team, and was more accepted. Their were still the alpha's who were the same (probably child of the poster above), but even that one was more quiet.
There are different ways to handle this, but you, as the parent, should not expect others to do your work for you. You might like to see cooperation from the coaches, and perhaps other parents, but don't expect them to notice what is happening or not happening to your child. That is your job. At a risk of defending the coaches behavior (I am not), but for a coach of 16-18 kids, the more aggressive kids who are hustling are always going to get more support since each coach is looking to win. This is, in part, counter toward development of the less aggressive and energetic kids and might even send the message that the coach is less concerned or directed toward some. Welcome to youth sports in todays world. However, it is part of life and all have to learn how to deal with it.
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