This is actually an email and I’m reprinting (with the authors permission although the author has requested her name not be included). I would love it if you would read it and give ‘teamsmanship” another look.
Dear Coach:
I wanted to tell you about a disturbing phone conversation I had this morning. My best friend’s daughter is on a premier team. Tryouts are over, but they haven't started pre-season practices with the new team, yet. A girl (who she called Sam to protect her identity), had been on the team last year, but didn't try out again. In fact, she hadn't come to the last practices and games of the spring season. My best friend called her mother (a month later than she should have) just to say "goodbye" and say that it had been a pleasure getting to meet and know them while she was on the team, and that we would miss her. Her mother thanked her for the call and then really opened up about why they hadn't seen her during the last half of the spring season.
The team that the girls played together on is rather new. The team started 2 years ago – my best friends’ daughter made the team the year it started. Sam tried out and made the team for its second year. That year, the coach took only 3 new players - Sam being one of them. It is not difficult to see that the team is divided into cliques and the cliques within the team are usually made up according to the schools the girls attended. They all played together, but whenever there was a lull in the practices or when they were asked to pick a partner and warm up, they almost always gravitated to their schoolmates or longtime friends. They rarely partnered with someone new.
My best friends’ daughter goes to school with only one other player. Sam has no one from her school on the team. Apparently, as the season progressed, some of the more socially aggressive girls on the team decided they didn't like her. For merely the "sport" of it, they went out of their way to pick on her and make Sam feel more and more isolated and inferior. She did admit that she noticed how often she was "alone." Apparently their disapproval and cruelty was the "kiss of death" and most of the girls on the team would rarely talk to her or partner with her. They frequently criticized her during practices and games, and held her to a higher standard (than they did their "friends"), immediately pointing out any mistakes she made or at least blaming her for things that went wrong. They made mean comments to her under their breath so she, and the surrounding players, could hear, but made sure the coach couldn't, and so on. Sam's mother said it wasn't everyone on the team, just most of them.
There were about 3 players, including my best friends’ daughter, who were nice to her. Since they weren't part of the big cliques, and they weren't included in the sneaky bullying, they unfortunately didn't grasp the extent of Sam's isolation, pain, and frustration. Neither did the coach until it was too late. A few selfish girls literally drove her off the team. My best friends’ daughter and one other girl has also been a victim of the team's primadonnas/bullies and their minions -- the other girl had been driven off the team after the first season. I am glad my best friends’ daughter is just too stubborn to let "them" win. It is really sad that the social leaders on the team lacked character and maturity, and allowed their behavior to damage the effectiveness of the team by sabotaging the self confidence of some of its players. When players don't feel "safe" and supported by their teammates, they can never extend themselves, take risks, and grow as players.
My best friends’ daughter is just starting 9th grade (as are most players on the team). Many parents of girls this age know that, socially, this is a difficult age. Girls can be very manipulative and mean as they jockey for social position during the middle school and early high school years (6th -- 10th grades). This is also compounded by lack of maturity and sensitivity for what isolation and cruelty can do to another child.
Because the social cliques within the team never opened up and accepted some of the team members, or because they never left their social hierarchy behind them when they came to practices and games, the team was destined to mediocrity. They never climbed the division levels like they could have. They played with inconsistency. They lost to, or tied, teams they should have beaten. Sure they won their share of games, but they never achieved their potential. They never gelled as a team and as a "family".
Unfortunately young teens sometimes mistakenly perceive kids that are socially aggressive as leaders, when they are not. And so the "sheep" on the team follow these bullies, these charismatic screw-ups, down the wrong path (apparently they would rather be their allies than stand up to them and risk being the target of their ridicule). How can parents and coaches teach kids and young athletes what true leaders really are?
The true leaders are the ones who lead by example, not by criticism.
True leaders share or take the blame when things go wrong. True leaders help build their teammates confidence by supporting and encouraging them so they feel safe to try their hardest and risk making mistakes sometimes as they grow as players. True leaders don't make criticisms, they make "suggestions" and these are done in a non-threatening way. True leaders don't tolerate teammates ganging up on other teammates. True leaders try to raise the level of play on the team by always playing their hardest -- they come to practices and games ready to play and they leave social baggage behind them. True leaders raise the team morale by trying to be a positive influence on their teammates and by never giving up, never pouting, never feeling jealous of another players success, and by being quick to give credit when credit is due.
Sam is a tall strong girl who has a gentle quiet nature yet she could be very aggressive and effective on the field. I noticed through the season that she played with us, that she never seemed to play to her potential. Now I know why.
I will touch on the subject of "teamsmanship?" Teamsmanship (as opposed to sportsmanship) is the art of being the best teammate a player can be. The reasons are obvious, yet too little emphasis is put on this as parents and coaches work to develop young players as athletes. They should also be thinking about developing them into young adults with character. I can't imagine the number of talented young athletes that may have dropped out of a sport because of the social climate on the team. What a loss. Unfortunately, so much of what is done, is done "under the radar" of the coaches -- they never know what is going on because kids can be sneaky. They don't want the coach to hear their nasty comments to their teammates. Plus, kids often don't tell the coach when they are being picked on because they are afraid of being a tattle-tale, looking weak, or they are just plain embarrassed that they are a victim. I guess the coaches have to look for the warning signs: If someone often needs help finding a partner. If someone starts missing practices and games. If they seem more quiet or always standing to the side of the groups of teammates when they gather in the down time. If they consistently "play it too safe" on the field and don't seem to grow or are afraid to take risks or be aggressive. John, I am sure that you can think of many more warning signs.
Hopefully you will find this story worthy of being the subject of one of your discussions with your players and parents. I am sure you can offer a lot of insight and guidance to the parents and players out there. I really feel this is important and that it is not addressed by coaches as often as it should be. As I said before, "teamsmanship" can mean the difference between a great team and a mediocre team, regardless of the caliber of athletes that are on the team Thanks so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, a concerned parent.
Dear Coach:
I wanted to tell you about a disturbing phone conversation I had this morning. My best friend’s daughter is on a premier team. Tryouts are over, but they haven't started pre-season practices with the new team, yet. A girl (who she called Sam to protect her identity), had been on the team last year, but didn't try out again. In fact, she hadn't come to the last practices and games of the spring season. My best friend called her mother (a month later than she should have) just to say "goodbye" and say that it had been a pleasure getting to meet and know them while she was on the team, and that we would miss her. Her mother thanked her for the call and then really opened up about why they hadn't seen her during the last half of the spring season.
The team that the girls played together on is rather new. The team started 2 years ago – my best friends’ daughter made the team the year it started. Sam tried out and made the team for its second year. That year, the coach took only 3 new players - Sam being one of them. It is not difficult to see that the team is divided into cliques and the cliques within the team are usually made up according to the schools the girls attended. They all played together, but whenever there was a lull in the practices or when they were asked to pick a partner and warm up, they almost always gravitated to their schoolmates or longtime friends. They rarely partnered with someone new.
My best friends’ daughter goes to school with only one other player. Sam has no one from her school on the team. Apparently, as the season progressed, some of the more socially aggressive girls on the team decided they didn't like her. For merely the "sport" of it, they went out of their way to pick on her and make Sam feel more and more isolated and inferior. She did admit that she noticed how often she was "alone." Apparently their disapproval and cruelty was the "kiss of death" and most of the girls on the team would rarely talk to her or partner with her. They frequently criticized her during practices and games, and held her to a higher standard (than they did their "friends"), immediately pointing out any mistakes she made or at least blaming her for things that went wrong. They made mean comments to her under their breath so she, and the surrounding players, could hear, but made sure the coach couldn't, and so on. Sam's mother said it wasn't everyone on the team, just most of them.
There were about 3 players, including my best friends’ daughter, who were nice to her. Since they weren't part of the big cliques, and they weren't included in the sneaky bullying, they unfortunately didn't grasp the extent of Sam's isolation, pain, and frustration. Neither did the coach until it was too late. A few selfish girls literally drove her off the team. My best friends’ daughter and one other girl has also been a victim of the team's primadonnas/bullies and their minions -- the other girl had been driven off the team after the first season. I am glad my best friends’ daughter is just too stubborn to let "them" win. It is really sad that the social leaders on the team lacked character and maturity, and allowed their behavior to damage the effectiveness of the team by sabotaging the self confidence of some of its players. When players don't feel "safe" and supported by their teammates, they can never extend themselves, take risks, and grow as players.
My best friends’ daughter is just starting 9th grade (as are most players on the team). Many parents of girls this age know that, socially, this is a difficult age. Girls can be very manipulative and mean as they jockey for social position during the middle school and early high school years (6th -- 10th grades). This is also compounded by lack of maturity and sensitivity for what isolation and cruelty can do to another child.
Because the social cliques within the team never opened up and accepted some of the team members, or because they never left their social hierarchy behind them when they came to practices and games, the team was destined to mediocrity. They never climbed the division levels like they could have. They played with inconsistency. They lost to, or tied, teams they should have beaten. Sure they won their share of games, but they never achieved their potential. They never gelled as a team and as a "family".
Unfortunately young teens sometimes mistakenly perceive kids that are socially aggressive as leaders, when they are not. And so the "sheep" on the team follow these bullies, these charismatic screw-ups, down the wrong path (apparently they would rather be their allies than stand up to them and risk being the target of their ridicule). How can parents and coaches teach kids and young athletes what true leaders really are?
The true leaders are the ones who lead by example, not by criticism.
True leaders share or take the blame when things go wrong. True leaders help build their teammates confidence by supporting and encouraging them so they feel safe to try their hardest and risk making mistakes sometimes as they grow as players. True leaders don't make criticisms, they make "suggestions" and these are done in a non-threatening way. True leaders don't tolerate teammates ganging up on other teammates. True leaders try to raise the level of play on the team by always playing their hardest -- they come to practices and games ready to play and they leave social baggage behind them. True leaders raise the team morale by trying to be a positive influence on their teammates and by never giving up, never pouting, never feeling jealous of another players success, and by being quick to give credit when credit is due.
Sam is a tall strong girl who has a gentle quiet nature yet she could be very aggressive and effective on the field. I noticed through the season that she played with us, that she never seemed to play to her potential. Now I know why.
I will touch on the subject of "teamsmanship?" Teamsmanship (as opposed to sportsmanship) is the art of being the best teammate a player can be. The reasons are obvious, yet too little emphasis is put on this as parents and coaches work to develop young players as athletes. They should also be thinking about developing them into young adults with character. I can't imagine the number of talented young athletes that may have dropped out of a sport because of the social climate on the team. What a loss. Unfortunately, so much of what is done, is done "under the radar" of the coaches -- they never know what is going on because kids can be sneaky. They don't want the coach to hear their nasty comments to their teammates. Plus, kids often don't tell the coach when they are being picked on because they are afraid of being a tattle-tale, looking weak, or they are just plain embarrassed that they are a victim. I guess the coaches have to look for the warning signs: If someone often needs help finding a partner. If someone starts missing practices and games. If they seem more quiet or always standing to the side of the groups of teammates when they gather in the down time. If they consistently "play it too safe" on the field and don't seem to grow or are afraid to take risks or be aggressive. John, I am sure that you can think of many more warning signs.
Hopefully you will find this story worthy of being the subject of one of your discussions with your players and parents. I am sure you can offer a lot of insight and guidance to the parents and players out there. I really feel this is important and that it is not addressed by coaches as often as it should be. As I said before, "teamsmanship" can mean the difference between a great team and a mediocre team, regardless of the caliber of athletes that are on the team Thanks so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, a concerned parent.
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