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Dealing with Toxic Teammates

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    #31
    Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
    Toxic teammates are jealous ones. They see your daughter as some kind of threat. That’s how the female brain works. Tell her just keep working hard and leave those little brats in the dust.
    Sometimes. But just as often they are the best players on the team and feel entitled.

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      #32
      Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
      Sometimes. But just as often they are the best players on the team and feel entitled.
      That comes from their parents telling them how great they are and talking poorly about other players. Entitled toxic mean moms create carbon copies of themselves.

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        #33
        Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
        That comes from their parents telling them how great they are and talking poorly about other players. Entitled toxic mean moms create carbon copies of themselves.
        Yes most times the mom is train wreck, but sometimes the dads too. You can often catch these parents making snarky remarks about kids on the sidelines well within earshot of others, even the players (they hear a lot more than parents realize).

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          #34
          So many good reasons to leave a team and a bad fit culture (seen as toxic to the outcast) is a good one. There is a fine line between extracting a girl from a horrible situation and denying her the chance to develop social and emotional coping skills. No one on TS can give you the answer. Is she bullied in any other areas of her life?

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            #35
            Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
            I am saying that he sh9ild approach the coach and let him know in case he doesn't ( but I don't expect coach to do anything .... But try anyway). Then the girl should approach the other girls and talk to them individually. Try to do everything the right way first. If none of that helps, then just work even harder in the field to make yourself better and torment them whenever you can .... Pressure them extra hard to let them know you aren't backing down. And yes, I am saying to give daughter the greenight to be extra physical on 50-50s as a last resort if it comes to that. Not dirty, just start making the hard tackles and winning stuff she might not have normally gone for. She will get better as a player and she needs to reign in some of the perceived power that they have. And that goes both ways. Sorry, she may be cowering because she thinks you would be mad if she got "retribution". Listen if she verbalizes honest bad behavior on their part to the girls and the coach and gets no relief, then they all deserve what they get. Sorry Nancy, players need to learn to sort everything out on the field .... The sooner the better.
            ...at age 11. Sounds like the type of conversation that most 11 year olds have.

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              #36
              So many good reasons to leave a team and a bad fit culture (seen as toxic to the outcast) is a good one. There is a fine line between extracting a girl from a horrible situation and denying her the chance to develop social and emotional coping skills. No one on TS can give you the answer. Is she bullied in any other areas of her life?

              Comment


                #37
                Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
                Toxic teammates are jealous ones. They see your daughter as some kind of threat. That’s how the female brain works. Tell her just keep working hard and leave those little brats in the dust.
                My first instinct is to blast this post for being naive, because there are plenty of little soccer divas who've been convinced (by their dopey parents and by being demonstrably better than the little fat kids in their neighborhood) that they are great and deserve special treatment by the soccer world they know. Some of these kids don't seem jealous of kids that they deem below them.

                Then I thought about the various soccer brats that my 2 soccer players grew up around... and you might be right. The bullies were never the very best players on the team, but generally in that #3-#6 range in ability and performance. They tended to be very confident socially, and used their social "skills" to keep the players that were threatening their roles
                on the team in place. They were jealous of the kids that were clearly more talented and could only intimidate those that were below them on the roster. Invariably, these kids either got passed by better athletes or they lost interest in the game. A bunch ended up playing field hockey.

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                  #38
                  Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
                  Hi All,

                  Our 11 y/o daughter is on her third year with the same team and they are a talented group no doubt. However there are 2-3 kids who are creating issues for the team in the form of toxic behavior. It just so happens the 2-3 kids have parents who are difficult on the sidelines to opposing teams, refs and sometimes to the other parents on the team. The coach is very intense and I don't think he has helped this ongoing issue that continues to get worse on the other girls. We believe he will not be the coach next year and are sort of keeping low and trying to keep our daughter's morale up.

                  Approaching the coach really does not seem like an option because as I briefly stated is likely a part of the problem. Its terribly frustrating to hear about the behavior these kids get a way with and its even tougher when they turn their attention on our daughter. I will add that two of the girls are likely in the top 5 and the other girl is ranked in the bottom 3-5. Our daughter is somewhere in the middle.

                  I am sure some of you have dealt with this with your children. Do we just let it be and support our child to take away the positives or do we get with the other fed up parents and go to the coach? Again the coach is some ways is encouraging this all (too many scenarios to list to support all of our belief that he is part of the problem).

                  I will add our daughter is quiet and does not like to be part of drama.

                  Thank you.
                  Get with the other fed up parents and contact the coach, in writing (email), with the DOC cc'd. Give tangible examples of how the kids' behavior is hurting the team as a whole and individual kids. Cite how the parents sideline behavior is an embarrassment to the club.

                  At 11, my kid had twin sister bullies on her team. They would literally terrorize other kids (emotionally & physically) to the point where 3-4 kids left the team. The mom was a terror herself, but was amazingly proficient at hiding it...brought coffee to the coach every practice, would "host" team events, would even buy "the team" ice cream from the concession stand after games.
                  What mom's clique didn't know was that she would contact the parents of *most* of the players on the team to invite them to a pool party/bbq (immediately following a game/practice) a few days ahead of time. The targets of her brats' bullying found out about the get together as they saw multiple kids getting into each others cars to head to the brats' house coupled with a "aren't you coming to the team bbq at so and so's house". Of course the uninvited kids never had a change of clothes or swim suit or may have had other plans because they didn't know about it and most of the time, ended up not going.

                  Then oddly enough, the concession stand always "ran out" of ice cream, just when meanie mom got to ordering for the targets of her kids' bullying. Lol, she would literally come back with ice pops for the whole team minus 4 kids. BUT, to an outside observer, she looked like a dream soccer mom!!! I know it may sound trivial, but when it happens time after time after time in addition to kids getting teased, taunted, tripped, kicked, pushed, it becomes a bit much for an 11 year old girl.

                  Long story short (maybe too late for that), several families eventually emailed the coach & DOC
                  and told them what was going on. Coach & DOC spoke to the parents and while the bullying didn't stop completely, they were far less brazen about it.

                  Fast forward a few years, my daughter has had an incredibly rewarding youth soccer experience and is committed to play in college at her top choice school. The twin bullies were eventually cut from my daughter's team, spent a few years jumping from team to team and eventually settled in at a local town club playing EDP D2 (or D3) with no collegiate prospects on the horizon.

                  Comment


                    #39
                    Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
                    Get with the other fed up parents and contact the coach, in writing (email), with the DOC cc'd. Give tangible examples of how the kids' behavior is hurting the team as a whole and individual kids. Cite how the parents sideline behavior is an embarrassment to the club.

                    At 11, my kid had twin sister bullies on her team. They would literally terrorize other kids (emotionally & physically) to the point where 3-4 kids left the team. The mom was a terror herself, but was amazingly proficient at hiding it...brought coffee to the coach every practice, would "host" team events, would even buy "the team" ice cream from the concession stand after games.
                    What mom's clique didn't know was that she would contact the parents of *most* of the players on the team to invite them to a pool party/bbq (immediately following a game/practice) a few days ahead of time. The targets of her brats' bullying found out about the get together as they saw multiple kids getting into each others cars to head to the brats' house coupled with a "aren't you coming to the team bbq at so and so's house". Of course the uninvited kids never had a change of clothes or swim suit or may have had other plans because they didn't know about it and most of the time, ended up not going.

                    Then oddly enough, the concession stand always "ran out" of ice cream, just when meanie mom got to ordering for the targets of her kids' bullying. Lol, she would literally come back with ice pops for the whole team minus 4 kids. BUT, to an outside observer, she looked like a dream soccer mom!!! I know it may sound trivial, but when it happens time after time after time in addition to kids getting teased, taunted, tripped, kicked, pushed, it becomes a bit much for an 11 year old girl.

                    Long story short (maybe too late for that), several families eventually emailed the coach & DOC
                    and told them what was going on. Coach & DOC spoke to the parents and while the bullying didn't stop completely, they were far less brazen about it.

                    Fast forward a few years, my daughter has had an incredibly rewarding youth soccer experience and is committed to play in college at her top choice school. The twin bullies were eventually cut from my daughter's team, spent a few years jumping from team to team and eventually settled in at a local town club playing EDP D2 (or D3) with no collegiate prospects on the horizon.
                    Love this story.

                    Unfortunately, my experience is that the bullies' parents generally are so skilled at snowplowing that they get what they want until they finally lose interest - by which time lots of other kids have quit/left the team/disengaged, etc. By the time they've "lost" the war, the bullies no longer care about winning it... it's a convenient coping mechanism.

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                      #40
                      always beware the team parent who manages and host all of the team get togethers at their house. Invariably these are the worst people.

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                        #41
                        I am OP and would first like to say thank you for some providing some helpful guidance.

                        To answer one of the questions. She is not bullied in any other part of her life. I do believe that her speaking up when it occurs would provide her with confidence socially she doesn’t have right now. These girls are down right nasty and I know their behavior as well as the parents influence does not have a happy ending for them most times.

                        You all read what I wrote right, the coach is ill-equipped to deal with this and he is part of the problem for sure. That said he will be out of the picture and she will likely need to contend with some of these kids on the future team so she will have a decision to make in the future. Also these sort of kids seem to be on a lot of teams especially the competitive ones. We certainly will be providing her the advise to speak up for herself and those who are being targeted. If she isn’t ready to find that side of herself then we go a different direction. Not sure what that direction is right now but my hope is she puts at least one of them in their place and others around her do the same which eventually will send a unified message to these brats.

                        Thank you all for taking the time to offer some great advise and sharing your own experiences.

                        Comment


                          #42
                          Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
                          Clueless award. Have you ever even raised a 10 year old daughter? Telling a young girl to "go talk to the bullies"? That's a big ask for most kids that age. Plus most bullies will double down if they know they're getting to you. They most likely learn their behavior from their parents so don't look there for much change. It doesn't sound like the coach is helping the situation.
                          Yep, two strong girls. We encouraged them to stick up for themselves always and never to slinknaway from a problem. It works. BS .... Most bullies find easier prey when someone stands up to them.

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                            #43
                            Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
                            Yep, two strong girls. We encouraged them to stick up for themselves always and never to slinknaway from a problem. It works. BS .... Most bullies find easier prey when someone stands up to them.
                            I think i saw this episode of The Facts of Life, too.

                            Comment


                              #44
                              Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
                              That comes from their parents telling them how great they are and talking poorly about other players. Entitled toxic mean moms create carbon copies of themselves.
                              This this this x 10000. Mom = team manager hosting team gatherings/parties, not needing any chaperones EXCEPT other the other moms in the clique. Toxic mean girl moms who exclude breed toxic mean girl daughters who exclude.

                              Comment


                                #45
                                Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
                                This this this x 10000. Mom = team manager hosting team gatherings/parties, not needing any chaperones EXCEPT other the other moms in the clique. Toxic mean girl moms who exclude breed toxic mean girl daughters who exclude.
                                “Team” dinners with players and parents without notifying all parents. Then players posting pics on social media. Seeing most of the team hanging out in the hotel lobby when other players knew nothing about it. Only certain players are congratulated on awards or wished happy birthday on team group chat. Whispering by players to each other in front of other players. It all happens. Then that translates to not passing to certain players on the field.

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