Dealing with Toxic Teammates

[Unregistered]

I have seen this issue with my D at this age group. I assure you the 2 other "top" players will move on to ECNL teams early. The lower level player is just looking for acceptance. Hang tight for a year, it will all work out. I can almost guarantee these are the #3 - #5 players on the team that feel they should be the top #1 and #2 per mom and dad. I assure you when these two move on everyone will breath a sigh of relief. Good lesson for your daughter not jump ship IF she likes the coach and the (rest of) the team.

[Unregistered]

I have seen this issue with my D at this age group. I assure you the 2 other "top" players will move on to ECNL teams early. The lower level player is just looking for acceptance. Hang tight for a year, it will all work out. I can almost guarantee these are the #3 - #5 players on the team that feel they should be the top #1 and #2 per mom and dad. I assure you when these two move on everyone will breath a sigh of relief. Good lesson for your daughter not jump ship IF she likes the coach and the (rest of) the team.

This kids parents have no real control over this situation if they stay. If it doesn't all work out as you suggest you've spent valuable time in a bad situation - worse case scenario it ruins soccer for the kid. The only reason I'd stay is if its not impacting my kid much at all. The fact that the parent posted on TS suggests otherwise but it's really for them to sit down and figure out how much impact it's having.

[Unregistered]

Very similar problem on my daughter's team but she is a little older. A few toxic mean girls. Make fun of other kids on their own team, need to be the superstars ect. It is getting old. Kids and parents are also fed up. Minus those few girls the team is fantastic.

[Unregistered]

This kids parents have no real control over this situation if they stay. If it doesn't all work out as you suggest you've spent valuable time in a bad situation - worse case scenario it ruins soccer for the kid. The only reason I'd stay is if its not impacting my kid much at all. The fact that the parent posted on TS suggests otherwise but it's really for them to sit down and figure out how much impact it's having.

Agreed. Look at the facts:
1) Parent can see the impact on D’s morale. At 11, this can make kids drop soccer altogether.
2) Coach is either awol on leadership or actively encouraging toxic behavior. Neither a great example for the kids. No idea whether he sticks around or goes.
3) 11yr old would be 9v9 so 2-3 of say a dozen players are problematic. Hoping that 20+% of your teammates will leave is hoping for too much.
4) Parents sound worse than the kids.

Take your chances and move on. At 11 so much will change in the next few years. Don’t mess around waiting out a bad situation.

[Unregistered]

While most people haven't put it out there so nicely, your daughter needs to stick up for herself. You should not teach her to pick up her ball and walk away from a bad situation that she didn't create. SHE should approach the girls one at a time and address her issues and ask that the girl stop particular behaviors ..... Therefore she should be able to annunciate the issue clearly so that it reverberates. Perhaps that will fix the issue. If it doesn't she needs simply pick up her game on the field to earn more respect. Specifically, I would have her hound those players in the field and work hard to make them look bad as often as possible. If she succeeds she has turned the table and if she doesn't she will still improve and have faced her demons. Don't let them push her off the team .... What would that teach her? When the going gets tough, get going? I know she is little bit now is ways the best time for a child to learn to confront bad situations rationally. It only gets harder later. I remember when our oldest was probaly 7 or 8 there was a girl in her after school program who was a monster who would say nasty things and pinch and hit others. We have our daughter permission to hit back after speaking to the teacher who did nothing. Her torment stopped immediately as there were plenty of other kids who did it get the go ahead. Your situation definitely sucks but it isn't unique. Coach your daughter and help her to navigate this on her terms not theirs. You should start with the coach and make it clear what is happening. Don't be surprised if nothing happens. Then give your blessing. You might be surprised. I am sure she is not the it one that feels that way and she might be the one to start the uprising ..... They may all be waiting for the one with the biggest balls (or any bald) to simply step up first.

[Unregistered]

While most people haven't put it out there so nicely, your daughter needs to stick up for herself. You should not teach her to pick up her ball and walk away from a bad situation that she didn't create. SHE should approach the girls one at a time and address her issues and ask that the girl stop particular behaviors ..... Therefore she should be able to annunciate the issue clearly so that it reverberates. Perhaps that will fix the issue. If it doesn't she needs simply pick up her game on the field to earn more respect. Specifically, I would have her hound those players in the field and work hard to make them look bad as often as possible. If she succeeds she has turned the table and if she doesn't she will still improve and have faced her demons. Don't let them push her off the team .... What would that teach her? When the going gets tough, get going? I know she is little bit now is ways the best time for a child to learn to confront bad situations rationally. It only gets harder later. I remember when our oldest was probaly 7 or 8 there was a girl in her after school program who was a monster who would say nasty things and pinch and hit others. We have our daughter permission to hit back after speaking to the teacher who did nothing. Her torment stopped immediately as there were plenty of other kids who did it get the go ahead. Your situation definitely sucks but it isn't unique. Coach your daughter and help her to navigate this on her terms not theirs. You should start with the coach and make it clear what is happening. Don't be surprised if nothing happens. Then give your blessing. You might be surprised. I am sure she is not the it one that feels that way and she might be the one to start the uprising ..... They may all be waiting for the one with the biggest balls (or any bald) to simply step up first.

Are you proposing they give the coach fair warning and then give their D the green light to clock 2-3 kids on the team?

[Unregistered]

Your saying that! Let it be and move on

[Unregistered]

Are you proposing they give the coach fair warning and then give their D the green light to clock 2-3 kids on the team?

I am saying that he sh9ild approach the coach and let him know in case he doesn't ( but I don't expect coach to do anything .... But try anyway). Then the girl should approach the other girls and talk to them individually. Try to do everything the right way first. If none of that helps, then just work even harder in the field to make yourself better and torment them whenever you can .... Pressure them extra hard to let them know you aren't backing down. And yes, I am saying to give daughter the greenight to be extra physical on 50-50s as a last resort if it comes to that. Not dirty, just start making the hard tackles and winning stuff she might not have normally gone for. She will get better as a player and she needs to reign in some of the perceived power that they have. And that goes both ways. Sorry, she may be cowering because she thinks you would be mad if she got "retribution". Listen if she verbalizes honest bad behavior on their part to the girls and the coach and gets no relief, then they all deserve what they get. Sorry Nancy, players need to learn to sort everything out on the field .... The sooner the better.

[Unregistered]

I am saying that he sh9ild approach the coach and let him know in case he doesn't ( but I don't expect coach to do anything .... But try anyway). Then the girl should approach the other girls and talk to them individually. Try to do everything the right way first. If none of that helps, then just work even harder in the field to make yourself better and torment them whenever you can .... Pressure them extra hard to let them know you aren't backing down. And yes, I am saying to give daughter the greenight to be extra physical on 50-50s as a last resort if it comes to that. Not dirty, just start making the hard tackles and winning stuff she might not have normally gone for. She will get better as a player and she needs to reign in some of the perceived power that they have. And that goes both ways. Sorry, she may be cowering because she thinks you would be mad if she got "retribution". Listen if she verbalizes honest bad behavior on their part to the girls and the coach and gets no relief, then they all deserve what they get. Sorry Nancy, players need to learn to sort everything out on the field .... The sooner the better.

Clueless award. Have you ever even raised a 10 year old daughter? Telling a young girl to "go talk to the bullies"? That's a big ask for most kids that age. Plus most bullies will double down if they know they're getting to you. They most likely learn their behavior from their parents so don't look there for much change. It doesn't sound like the coach is helping the situation.

[Unregistered]

I have seen this type of behavior on girls teams before. Usually coaches are oblivious to how detrimental cliques are to girls teams. My D’s Team has a big one and they have had my D in tears multiple times. Girls can be mean. My D just puts up with it and can’t wait to be off her team in the future.

[Unregistered]

Clueless award. Have you ever even raised a 10 year old daughter? Telling a young girl to "go talk to the bullies"? That's a big ask for most kids that age. Plus most bullies will double down if they know they're getting to you. They most likely learn their behavior from their parents so don't look there for much change. It doesn't sound like the coach is helping the situation.

I agree . There is no benefit to the daughter talking to her toxic teammates. If the daughter is quiet, I think she may not necessarily be in the crosshairs but it is the tone that hangs over the team where these girls are dominating. I would try to keep your daughter positive and get her through this season while looking for a new team for next year.

[Unregistered]

I am saying that he sh9ild approach the coach and let him know in case he doesn't ( but I don't expect coach to do anything .... But try anyway). Then the girl should approach the other girls and talk to them individually. Try to do everything the right way first. If none of that helps, then just work even harder in the field to make yourself better and torment them whenever you can .... Pressure them extra hard to let them know you aren't backing down. And yes, I am saying to give daughter the greenight to be extra physical on 50-50s as a last resort if it comes to that. Not dirty, just start making the hard tackles and winning stuff she might not have normally gone for. She will get better as a player and she needs to reign in some of the perceived power that they have. And that goes both ways. Sorry, she may be cowering because she thinks you would be mad if she got "retribution". Listen if she verbalizes honest bad behavior on their part to the girls and the coach and gets no relief, then they all deserve what they get. Sorry Nancy, players need to learn to sort everything out on the field .... The sooner the better.

The only parts of this I agree with are raising the issue with the coach (which it sounds like will end up being useless but you never know and it is the right thing to do) and working as hard as you can while you are with the team. As for the rest of it, I don't think it's realistic for a 10-11 year old in this case, especially if you've already approached the coach and nothing happened. The other aspect of this is that the family is paying for a service to help their daughter enjoy and improve a sport she loves. If you turn this into something the kid has to suffer through you've defeated the purpose - life lesson or not.

[Unregistered]

Toxic teammates are jealous ones. They see your daughter as some kind of threat. That’s how the female brain works. Tell her just keep working hard and leave those little brats in the dust.

[Unregistered]

Toxic teammates are jealous ones. They see your daughter as some kind of threat. That’s how the female brain works. Tell her just keep working hard and leave those little brats in the dust.

I have seen this type of behaviour on boys' teams as well. Some kids soccer careers peak early and they don't have physical, emotional and technical ability to deal with it. So they resort to bullying and trying to freeze kids out who have left them in the dust. It doesn't work.

[Unregistered]

Toxic teammates are jealous ones. They see your daughter as some kind of threat. That’s how the female brain works. Tell her just keep working hard and leave those little brats in the dust.

Not always. Some girls are just bit-chy and mean. Like male bullies they see a vulnerability and push it.

OP said the team might be getting a new coach next year but that won't necessarily solve the problems if the bad kids stay. OP should start looking now at alternatives and going to other teams' practices. Also get to some games once they start. Watch how the players interact with each other as well the coach. Don't wait for official tryouts to start because by then often times there's almost no spots left