Most jerks know they are jerks and sit away from the gossip gang. The guy I can't stand is "the buddy". You know him - he walks up to everyone and starts chatting away like you were long lost friends. At first it seems innocent enough as he compliments your kid and keeps things positive. Within a game or two, he starts to turn. He sees you as a trusted confidant and that is when his real agenda comes out. You see no matter the score and no matter who is out there, his kid is being neglected or misused out there. He is playing you so you will support his little campaign to get his kid more playing time. He is the sideline manipulator and leaves you wanting the 4 hours of your life back.
Not to worry. I happen to be an expert on getting rid of the buddy with a few tips I hope you find handy:
1. Start talking about your job in nauseating detail. Refuse to talk soccer or kids and act like you are at a business conference. He will leave skid marks.
2. Make inappropriate comments about the soccer moms and speculate which ones like to swing. keep the conversation focused on lewd locker room talk. He can't handle it because he wants to discuss children and you can't mix the two topics.
3. Talk about aliens living among us. Be very serious and quote the History channel. He may think you are nuts but the next guy he ambushes will envy you every game he has to listen to this guy build his agenda.
4. Become a disgusting homer for the coach. Praise him at every opportunity. Offer up strange bits of trivia like where the coach grew up and where they played soccer. Talk about his amazing coaching skills and support every decision the coach makes. It will be like nails on a chalkboard to him.
5. Eat a can of tuna or sardines before the game and become a close talker.
You're welcome America.
Great and now we have to deal with you also the " condescending wonka "
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