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Bullying in Club Soccer
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Originally posted by Unregistered View PostI totally appreciate your opinion. For us, the positives have outweighed the negatives. My child is hard working, motivated, and dedicated to her sport. She has great friendships with amazing travel experiences and a D1 scholarship. So for us, it has been fine, but it has been hard watching others shrivel in the system. For those folks, there comes a time when they should walk away. My daughter was always able to keep things in perspective.
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Unregistered
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostI also have a kid who has managed to navigate all the way to D1 through some oftentimes difficult coaching situations. Having watched other kids drop out of the system it is very frustrating and difficult to watch. They weren't bad players - granted not top notch - but it's very hard to watch a kid lose interest in a sport they once loved. There are better ways to handle players who perhaps need to move down a level - like talk to them rationally rather than scream/make them feel bad and have them drop out all together.
That is great. Really!! Your parenting is super and your kid is super!!
Question for you: For every kid who is able to withstand what his/her parent has convinced him/her of what is best and that the bastard coach will make them better, how many don't survive that system and leave the game? Is your situation the exception or the rule?
In hind sight, do you think that you could have found a better situation for your kid?
As for this thread, are we talking more of what I would have called 'teasing' when I was a kid, or is this something more severe.....or is teasing considered bullying. I distinguish between the two in that teasing is playful among friends and goes in both directions. Bullying is very much one-sided, mean spirited and usually degrading.
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostThat is great. Really!! Your parenting is super and your kid is super!!
Question for you: For every kid who is able to withstand what his/her parent has convinced him/her of what is best and that the bastard coach will make them better, how many don't survive that system and leave the game? Is your situation the exception or the rule?
In hind sight, do you think that you could have found a better situation for your kid?
As for this thread, are we talking more of what I would have called 'teasing' when I was a kid, or is this something more severe.....or is teasing considered bullying. I distinguish between the two in that teasing is playful among friends and goes in both directions. Bullying is very much one-sided, mean spirited and usually degrading.
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostThat is great. Really!! Your parenting is super and your kid is super!!
Question for you: For every kid who is able to withstand what his/her parent has convinced him/her of what is best and that the bastard coach will make them better, how many don't survive that system and leave the game? Is your situation the exception or the rule?
In hind sight, do you think that you could have found a better situation for your kid?
As for this thread, are we talking more of what I would have called 'teasing' when I was a kid, or is this something more severe.....or is teasing considered bullying. I distinguish between the two in that teasing is playful among friends and goes in both directions. Bullying is very much one-sided, mean spirited and usually degrading.
And if he had been younger, no way we would have stayed. What grown adult needs to scream at an 11 year old? Yet I've seen it far too many times over the years. Like I said, any coach who kills a kids' love of a sport shouldn't be coaching. I've heard parents say "well its good how to learn how to deal with a tough boss." Really? How many times has your boss screamed insults at you in front of the entire office?
BTW - how did the childish first part of your post help the conversation? Would you agree that mean spirited?
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Unregistered
Not trying to condone this by any stretch of the imagination, I'm simply trying to explain a few things so that others might judge the situation objectively.
For people of my generation getting screamed at (or worse) by a coach was just something you accepted because you believed that they were just pushing buttons to motivate you. For generations coaches have been taught that it was their job to supply their athletes with "motivation" and the two emotions they were shown how to touch were fear and anger. Athletes are supposed to be pissed off and playing with reckless abandon otherwise we shame them for their failures. A perfect example of this was the whole Dolphins bullying issue last year. The fundamental issue there was a player who was judged to be "soft" and being shamed into "picking it up". We all saw how that worked. Unfortunately if you read or listen to sports media you'll see those messages all around us so it is not there is a whole lot of clarity on this issue.
The real problem with using that abusive approach now is today's kids have all been raised with a different sense of self than we were and don't actually respond to this type of stimuli. With this generation of kid intentionally trying to stoke a fear or anger response IS abuse it doesn't motivate them. In fact it usually now has the opposite effect. When an approach like that doesn't work and yet you still use it, that's what makes it abuse. You are not "helping" the kid, you are probably just venting your frustration with the kid at them. As a youth coach that is just wrong.
As a parent one of the real questions you should have in your mind is whether the coach is ignorantly screaming because they believe they are motivating your kid or whether they have no self control. Coaches that don't have any self control don't belong around kids so if you run across one, leave that team immediately. I'm more tolerant of coaches that are ignorant but mean well. In terms of handling them I would say something to a coach in an effort to minimize their approach to my kid in the short term but actually just plan to move on as soon as possible because the reality is that sort of coach just doesn't know how to do it any different and is not going to change.
There is however a real opportunity to teach your child in this type of situation. You have to try to help them understand in a productive way why the coach is screaming at them, otherwise they will likely just shut down and never learn how to become a successful athlete. The worst thing you can do is turn them into a victim by siding with them. Then they will never learn to push themselves. Never forget that at the heart of everything they are likely getting screamed at for a reason and your child does have to know that the level of their performance is probably it. You need to work through that with your child and get them to understand.
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostOP here - like the other poster we let our player decide what he wanted to do. He was old enough to make those choices at the time. He was also very mature and was able to see past what a jerk the coach was. If it had started to impact his enthusiasm and confidence then absolutely we would have been discussing making a change. It's all very situational and individually based and parents have to have a good sense of who their kids are and what they can handle.
And if he had been younger, no way we would have stayed. What grown adult needs to scream at an 11 year old? Yet I've seen it far too many times over the years. Like I said, any coach who kills a kids' love of a sport shouldn't be coaching. I've heard parents say "well its good how to learn how to deal with a tough boss." Really? How many times has your boss screamed insults at you in front of the entire office?
BTW - how did the childish first part of your post help the conversation? Would you agree that mean spirited?
You are not the OP
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostYou are not the OP
What Felger typically does is subsequently build on a post like the one that started this thread claiming to be the OP (on an anonymous forum-who knows) adding a few little innocuous twists to it over the course of a few more posts so then they can use another sock puppet to either agree or disagree and push the whole discussion off in a specific direction. They do this ALL the time here.
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostOriginally Posted by Unregistered View Post
I totally appreciate your opinion. For us, the positives have outweighed the negatives. My child is hard working, motivated, and dedicated to her sport. She has great friendships with amazing travel experiences and a D1 scholarship. So for us, it has been fine, but it has been hard watching others shrivel in the system. For those folks, there comes a time when they should walk away. My daughter was always able to keep things in perspective.
Can I say, that you suck at Id'ing posters! I am not even sure why you try.
-- Pathfinder
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View PostNot trying to condone this by any stretch of the imagination, I'm simply trying to explain a few things so that others might judge the situation objectively.
For people of my generation getting screamed at (or worse) by a coach was just something you accepted because you believed that they were just pushing buttons to motivate you. For generations coaches have been taught that it was their job to supply their athletes with "motivation" and the two emotions they were shown how to touch were fear and anger. Athletes are supposed to be pissed off and playing with reckless abandon otherwise we shame them for their failures. A perfect example of this was the whole Dolphins bullying issue last year. The fundamental issue there was a player who was judged to be "soft" and being shamed into "picking it up". We all saw how that worked. Unfortunately if you read or listen to sports media you'll see those messages all around us so it is not there is a whole lot of clarity on this issue.
The real problem with using that abusive approach now is today's kids have all been raised with a different sense of self than we were and don't actually respond to this type of stimuli. With this generation of kid intentionally trying to stoke a fear or anger response IS abuse it doesn't motivate them. In fact it usually now has the opposite effect. When an approach like that doesn't work and yet you still use it, that's what makes it abuse. You are not "helping" the kid, you are probably just venting your frustration with the kid at them. As a youth coach that is just wrong.
As a parent one of the real questions you should have in your mind is whether the coach is ignorantly screaming because they believe they are motivating your kid or whether they have no self control. Coaches that don't have any self control don't belong around kids so if you run across one, leave that team immediately. I'm more tolerant of coaches that are ignorant but mean well. In terms of handling them I would say something to a coach in an effort to minimize their approach to my kid in the short term but actually just plan to move on as soon as possible because the reality is that sort of coach just doesn't know how to do it any different and is not going to change.
There is however a real opportunity to teach your child in this type of situation. You have to try to help them understand in a productive way why the coach is screaming at them, otherwise they will likely just shut down and never learn how to become a successful athlete. The worst thing you can do is turn them into a victim by siding with them. Then they will never learn to push themselves. Never forget that at the heart of everything they are likely getting screamed at for a reason and your child does have to know that the level of their performance is probably it. You need to work through that with your child and get them to understand.
And please drop the Felger bit, unless you are going to admit that you are Felger, and Suzie, and SoccerTaxi, and SD33, etc, etc, etc.
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Unregistered
Originally posted by Unregistered View Postof course not. I don't have any children that are that old. I am also not sure I will have a D1 athlete. I will admit that was the plan but the kids seem to have their own goals. :)
Can I say, that you suck at Id'ing posters! I am not even sure why you try.
-- Pathfinder
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