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    From Our Athletic Director

    As the spring sports season gets fully underway, this is an opportune moment to remind all our High School Student Athletes and their wacko parents of some of the key points included in our VWLI Athletic Policy document which you were forced to sign months before you cared about the content:

    1 – The Vaguely Worded Loosely Interpreted Policy is the cornerstone upon which the Athletic Department teeters, and has served the vested interests of the school well since it was hurriedly written and pre-dated on the advice of our lawyers. All Student Athletes would be well served to carefully ignore this document until it’s too late to matter.

    2 – Participation in high school sports is a privilege bestowed by the school, not a right of young people seeking the health benefits of exercise or the inclusive sense of belonging it brings. Academically challenged students who hope to make a contribution to the school, or who see sport as a route to peer group approval, should clearly understand that they are wasting their time and should go back to playing their video consoles or applying their gothic make up.

    3 – Respect of your coach at all times is paramount. Many of these dedicated individuals are working diligently to boost the value of their final salary pension schemes by taking on the onerous task of coaching a sport they know nothing about.

    4 – Student Athletes should clearly understand the level of commitment required by the carefully selected Nazis who run our programs. Student Athletes who have un-excused absences from practice will be barred from participating for two weeks and will be ritually humiliated by the coach prior to resuming play. The ONLY acceptable excuses for missing practice will be court appearances by members of the Varsity Football team, or participation in the local Gymnastics Club owned and operated by my wife.

    5 – Multi-sport participation is allowable and encouraged on the clear understanding that priorities may have to be set. Where there is a conflict between sports all athletes should adhere to the following priority list:
    (i) Varsity Football
    (ii) Varsity Football
    (iii) Varsity Football
    (iv) JV Football
    (v) Freshman Football
    (vi) Men’s Basketball
    (vii) Baseball
    (viii) Academics
    (ix) Any other pissy little sport that no-one cares about.

    6 – Multi-sport participation does NOT extend to participation in non-school or club sports. Students who participate in club sports would do well to remember our school athletic motto: “We Own Your Ass”. Club sport athletes selected to represent the United States at national level should clearly understand that there is no greater honor than to represent the Armpitsville Highschool Chinchillas in the Greater Macomb County Level E Athletic Conference.

    7 – Consumption of alcohol, use of recreational drugs, posting of inappropriate pictures on websites, and knocking up the superintendent’s daughter are all grounds for immediate dismissal from all athletic teams unless you are a stud starter on a potential state championship roster.

    Student Athletes and their parents who need any clarification on our policy should contact me and I will happily interpret the rules to suit myself. Student Athletes wishing to appeal any decision by the Athletic Department should present a written submission to be considered by an appeals committee consisting of myself.

    Yours In Sport

    Anthony Selvesentered
    Athletic Director

    #2
    Originally posted by Taken from FullRideSoon View Post
    As the spring sports season gets fully underway, this is an opportune moment to remind all our High School Student Athletes and their wacko parents of some of the key points included in our VWLI Athletic Policy document which you were forced to sign months before you cared about the content:

    1 – The Vaguely Worded Loosely Interpreted Policy is the cornerstone upon which the Athletic Department teeters, and has served the vested interests of the school well since it was hurriedly written and pre-dated on the advice of our lawyers. All Student Athletes would be well served to carefully ignore this document until it’s too late to matter.

    2 – Participation in high school sports is a privilege bestowed by the school, not a right of young people seeking the health benefits of exercise or the inclusive sense of belonging it brings. Academically challenged students who hope to make a contribution to the school, or who see sport as a route to peer group approval, should clearly understand that they are wasting their time and should go back to playing their video consoles or applying their gothic make up.

    3 – Respect of your coach at all times is paramount. Many of these dedicated individuals are working diligently to boost the value of their final salary pension schemes by taking on the onerous task of coaching a sport they know nothing about.

    4 – Student Athletes should clearly understand the level of commitment required by the carefully selected Nazis who run our programs. Student Athletes who have un-excused absences from practice will be barred from participating for two weeks and will be ritually humiliated by the coach prior to resuming play. The ONLY acceptable excuses for missing practice will be court appearances by members of the Varsity Football team, or participation in the local Gymnastics Club owned and operated by my wife.

    5 – Multi-sport participation is allowable and encouraged on the clear understanding that priorities may have to be set. Where there is a conflict between sports all athletes should adhere to the following priority list:
    (i) Varsity Football
    (ii) Varsity Football
    (iii) Varsity Football
    (iv) JV Football
    (v) Freshman Football
    (vi) Men’s Basketball
    (vii) Baseball
    (viii) Academics
    (ix) Any other pissy little sport that no-one cares about.

    6 – Multi-sport participation does NOT extend to participation in non-school or club sports. Students who participate in club sports would do well to remember our school athletic motto: “We Own Your Ass”. Club sport athletes selected to represent the United States at national level should clearly understand that there is no greater honor than to represent the Armpitsville Highschool Chinchillas in the Greater Macomb County Level E Athletic Conference.

    7 – Consumption of alcohol, use of recreational drugs, posting of inappropriate pictures on websites, and knocking up the superintendent’s daughter are all grounds for immediate dismissal from all athletic teams unless you are a stud starter on a potential state championship roster.

    Student Athletes and their parents who need any clarification on our policy should contact me and I will happily interpret the rules to suit myself. Student Athletes wishing to appeal any decision by the Athletic Department should present a written submission to be considered by an appeals committee consisting of myself.

    Yours In Sport

    Anthony Selvesentered
    Athletic Director
    I am going to guess that your $20,000 club dues and training investment in little Landon didn't work out and he didn't make the impression you thought he would as a Freshman.

    Comment


      #3
      taken from full ride soon

      This person has had a blog for a year or two now... or longer? She is hilarious. She obviously has been around soccer, club, h.s., etc. for a long time and her tongue and cheek dialog often rings quite close to the truth...or at least there is always a nugget there! Go "full ride soon"...if I could I'd write a book myself!

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
        This person has had a blog for a year or two now... or longer? She is hilarious. She obviously has been around soccer, club, h.s., etc. for a long time and her tongue and cheek dialog often rings quite close to the truth...or at least there is always a nugget there! Go "full ride soon"...if I could I'd write a book myself!
        Just another example of Cujo not bothering to understand what he is reading. He's got his pre-made themes that he can stick on to anything that appears to fit from just his cursory glance. Didn't bother to see that this came from someone not even on the forum from another state who makes fun of all aspects of youth soccer.

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by Taken from FullRideSoon View Post
          6 – Multi-sport participation does NOT extend to participation in non-school or club sports. Students who participate in club sports would do well to remember our school athletic motto: “We Own Your Ass”. Club sport athletes selected to represent the United States at national level should clearly understand that there is no greater honor than to represent the Armpitsville Highschool Chinchillas in the Greater Macomb County Level E Athletic Conference.
          Simply brilliant!

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by Taken from FullRideSoon View Post
            3 – Respect of your coach at all times is paramount. Many of these dedicated individuals are working diligently to boost the value of their final salary pension schemes by taking on the onerous task of coaching a sport they know nothing about.
            This is my personal favorite. Fits my daughter's HS coach to a T (and no, I don't mean Coach T).

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
              Just another example of Cujo not bothering to understand what he is reading. He's got his pre-made themes that he can stick on to anything that appears to fit from just his cursory glance. Didn't bother to see that this came from someone not even on the forum from another state who makes fun of all aspects of youth soccer.

              It was 15% funny, 35% angry, 25% cluelesss, 25% pointless.

              I take sports both very seriously but not seriously. I care about results but don't care. I understand the limitations, oddities and politics of HS sports but I also understand the need for order and rules. In my view there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who will run a red light at 3am in the morning because nobody is looking and people like me who will wait till it turns green because rules exist for a reason. Parents who have a problem with HS sports rules and the MIAA are typically the former.

              95% of the whining about MIAA rules comes from soccer parents.

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by Cujo View Post
                It was 15% funny, 35% angry, 25% cluelesss, 25% pointless.

                I take sports both very seriously but not seriously. I care about results but don't care. I understand the limitations, oddities and politics of HS sports but I also understand the need for order and rules. In my view there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who will run a red light at 3am in the morning because nobody is looking and people like me who will wait till it turns green because rules exist for a reason. Parents who have a problem with HS sports rules and the MIAA are typically the former.

                95% of the whining about MIAA rules comes from soccer parents.
                Apparently sarcasm, satire & humor are not your thing. And...this isn't about MIAA...don't you see the author lives in the midwest? I still remember a jv high school coach from CT freaking out because his daughter was kicking a ball around with her MA premier team at an indoor practice "YOU CAN'T TOUCH SOCCER BALL IN MASS" HE SCREAMED!!! "YOUR IN YOUR H.S. SEASON!!!!" 13 year olds....right....! Try reading some more of her blog...try.... it is about far more than h.s. soccer, and you can take your soccer
                "seriously" but not too......

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
                  Apparently sarcasm, satire & humor are not your thing. And...this isn't about MIAA...don't you see the author lives in the midwest? I still remember a jv high school coach from CT freaking out because his daughter was kicking a ball around with her MA premier team at an indoor practice "YOU CAN'T TOUCH SOCCER BALL IN MASS" HE SCREAMED!!! "YOUR IN YOUR H.S. SEASON!!!!" 13 year olds....right....! Try reading some more of her blog...try.... it is about far more than h.s. soccer, and you can take your soccer
                  "seriously" but not too......
                  I have a very good sense of humour but I can honestly say I didn't find it to be that funny. Must be just me.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Lighten up my son!

                    Originally posted by Cujo View Post
                    I have a very good sense of humour but I can honestly say I didn't find it to be that funny. Must be just me.
                    I for one thought it was an accurate satire and quite amusing, I only wish little Johnny found my weekly lesson in respecting the rectomry with my holy septor as amusing after last Sunday's mass...Praise Jesus!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by Cujo View Post
                      I have a very good sense of humour but I can honestly say I didn't find it to be that funny. Must be just me.
                      You didnt get it because you didn't understand what you were reading. You thought you were responding some Mom or Dad from Weston, when this was a blog excerpt from a blogger in another state who pans all aspects of youth soccer....including U11 soccer and helicopter parents and obsessions with kids getting recruited for college soccer. You have such a hair-trigger for wanting to do your own proselytizing that you don't always bother to really read before you hit "reply."

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by Unregistered View Post
                        You didnt get it because you didn't understand what you were reading. You thought you were responding some Mom or Dad from Weston, when this was a blog excerpt from a blogger in another state who pans all aspects of youth soccer....including U11 soccer and helicopter parents and obsessions with kids getting recruited for college soccer. You have such a hair-trigger for wanting to do your own proselytizing that you don't always bother to really read before you hit "reply."

                        I read the whole thing for the second time - and I still don't think it is funny. Maybe because I spent 7 years in the HS world as a coach. I also spent 4 years as a parent and some years ago as an athlete. 98% of my HS sports experience was positive for all three aspects. Were their aggravating situations and people involved? Absolutely. Tell me what part of life doesn't include those two factors.

                        I miss kicking back in a lawn chair on a sunny Spring afternoon watching my daughter play softball. Lord knows I can be a cynical curmudgeon. I just can't be that way about HS sports. They play a role in life that club sports fall short of.

                        If you change the context and read it as homage to club sports it is definitely funnier.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by Cujo View Post
                          I read the whole thing for the second time - and I still don't think it is funny. Maybe because I spent 7 years in the HS world as a coach. I also spent 4 years as a parent and some years ago as an athlete. 98% of my HS sports experience was positive for all three aspects. Were their aggravating situations and people involved? Absolutely. Tell me what part of life doesn't include those two factors.

                          I miss kicking back in a lawn chair on a sunny Spring afternoon watching my daughter play softball. Lord knows I can be a cynical curmudgeon. I just can't be that way about HS sports. They play a role in life that club sports fall short of.

                          If you change the context and read it as homage to club sports it is definitely funnier.
                          Cujo, the blogger has a blog that is a parody....on all aspects of youth soccer. They're like SNL skits. If you don't think some are funny that's fine, but understand that this wasn't a disgruntled parent with an agenda about a particular high school or even a particular state.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            As the spring club soccer season gets fully underway, this is an opportune moment to remind all our club players and their wacko parents of some of the key points included in our Club handbook and Maple constitution document which you were forced to sign months before you cared about the content:

                            1 – The Vaguely Worded Loosely Interpreted Code of ethics for clubs and coaches is the cornerstone upon which MAPLE teeters, and has served the vested interests of MAPLE well since it was hurriedly written and pre-dated on the advice of our lawyers and board. All coaches and DOC's would be well served to carefully ignore this document until it’s too late to matter.

                            2 – Participation in club sports is a privilege bestowed by the club or MAPLE, not a right of young people seeking the health benefits of exercise or the inclusive sense of belonging it brings. Athletically challenged students who hope to make a contribution to the world of high-priced club soccer, or who see sport as a route to peer group approval, should clearly understand that they are wasting their time and should go back to playing their video consoles or applying their gothic make up.

                            3 – Respect of your coach at all times is paramount. Many of these dedicated individuals are working diligently to boost the value of their personal financial portfolios and resumes by taking on the onerous task of coaching a sport that they performed magnificently at as a player but really don't know how to effectively communicate with young players.

                            4 – Club Athletes should clearly understand the level of commitment required by the carefully selected Nazis who run our programs. Club players who have un-excused absences from practice will be barred from participating for two weeks and will be ritually humiliated by the coach prior to resuming play. The ONLY acceptable excuses for missing practice will be court appearances by members of the Board of Directors, or participation in the local Plyometrics training facility owned and operated by my wife.

                            5 – Multi-sport participation is discouraged on the clear understanding that priorities may have to be set. Where there is a conflict between sports all athletes should adhere to the following priority list:
                            (i) Club Soccer
                            (ii) Club Soccer
                            (iii) Club Soccer
                            (iv) Club Soccer
                            (v) Club Soccer
                            (vi) Club Soccer
                            (vii) Club Soccer
                            (viii) Club Soccer
                            (ix) Club Soccer

                            6 – Multi-sport participation does NOT extend to participation in non club sports. Students who participate in HS sports would do well to remember our club motto: “We Own Your Ass”. HS athletes selected to represent their Community at a State or Local level should clearly understand that there is no greater honor than to represent their Club at one of the 400 Elite Tournaments held annually 1,000 miles away from your home. Remember, your $1,000 family travel deposit for the 4 annual tournaments that we will attend are due on the 1st day of each calendar year quarter.

                            7 – Consumption of alcohol, use of recreational drugs, posting of inappropriate pictures on websites, will have no bearing whatsoever on your club status but may cost you a $200,000 full boat scholarship dangled over your head by some weenie college coach who fancies himself to be the Vince Lombardi of NCAA D-1 soccer.

                            Club Athletes and their parents who need any clarification on our policy should contact me and I will happily interpret the rules to suit myself. Club Athletes wishing to appeal any decision by the DOC or Coach should present a written submission to be considered by an appeals committee consisting of myself and the DOC.

                            Yours In Sport

                            Ian Igottacoolaccent
                            DOC, FC Real Expensive Soccer Club

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by Cujo View Post
                              I read the whole thing for the second time - and I still don't think it is funny. Maybe because I spent 7 years in the HS world as a coach.
                              Well duh!

                              Comment

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