Bully coaches

[Unregistered]

I've had a coach say if you don't hear me yelling TO you, that means you've checked out on me and therefore I checked out on you.

Funny, my wife will hear the coach yell something to my kid and she'll ask "what did he just say?" or "what did she do wrong"? Most often, it's just instructional. She's 70 yards away and there's lots of activity. He has to yell to be heard.

Now, if he called her "a filthy SOB who doesn't deserve to walk the planet", different discussion to be had.

[Unregistered]

I've had a coach say if you don't hear me yelling TO you, that means you've checked out on me and therefore I checked out on you.

Funny, my wife will hear the coach yell something to my kid and she'll ask "what did he just say?" or "what did she do wrong"? Most often, it's just instructional. She's 70 yards away and there's lots of activity. He has to yell to be heard.

Now, if he called her "a filthy SOB who doesn't deserve to walk the planet", different discussion to be had.

Actually, it would be “filthy..b”, no “so” necessary

[Unregistered]

Again, you are the personality that is part of the problem. I do wish that you and your child will never know the angst that the OP or others feel. While I don’t suggest kids be coddled, nor do I mind coaches being stern, but there is a difference between constructive and destructive coaching...and parenting. Although perceptions vary the negative end result can be the same.

I also don’t dismiss the role of the player and their level of maturity and insecurity in contributing to the issue. But, the good coach is able to be constructive. Unfortunately as youth soccer expands, and the variability of coaching widens the level of maturity also widens.

Children mature at different rates. Some are always insecure. However, parents can affect this greatly. Getting anxious about unmet expectations is a killer and will have an opposite effect. Being supportive and believing in your child is the best you can do. Fear of failure is a killer. Accepting that failure is part of the development is important.

If your solution is to remove the child from every environment that they ‘fail’ in will not help develop the psychological part. Although forcing them to tolerate a profoundly negative environment is depressing, a balance exists. Too many kids grow up not knowing how to deal with adversity.

In your current scenario, bringing the kid out to a field and just kicking around, allowing them to be creative without an over bearing coach berating him/her for mistakes provides a nice balance of environments, increases enjoyment time, allows unchecked and unhindered creativity, and a chance for the player to develop some skills and confidence. Your support of the kid whether the succeed or not will help them get back up and play the next moment.

.....but don’t dismiss the value of telling the player to simply go out and hammer during practices. They might feel quite a bit better. Playing with fear is paralyzing.

Angst over ulittle soccer...
The world needs more checkers players

Maybe a return to individual pursuits is in order. Not everyone is part of a team and may not want to be, but shove them into group activity anyway. No need to always keep up with the Joneses.

[Unregistered]

Why does the coach do it? Massive insecurity. The kids who follow in line are simply raised by parents who are similar to the 5 morons who have already posted. What these parents don't realize....but soon will....is that there little cherubs will, someday, not be the best of the best of the best. I can only imagine their reactions when their kids aren't supported and treated like gold.

What can you do? There are three options and only the two are viable. 1. Talk to the coach and/or DOC. Usually this gets you no where since it is probably the MO or the club. Such behavior starts at the top. 2. Leave the club. 3. Realizing that part of the problem might be a lack of effort from your child, tell your kid to go wild in practice and start playing harder and harder to the point that the other players start to complain "take it easy. Its only practice"....or.....'you are going to hurt one of us'. Not only will your child start to play quite a bit better, but he/she will get personal rewards from hammering the kids who were being asses (not unlike their parents) and the coach will recognize more value....not that this will change the coach at all, but at least your child might enjoy it more. I hate to say it, but bullies sometimes need a 'punch in the nose'.

At the U14 level and below, its really poor coaching to call out a player to the level of embarassment in front of their teammates. And you are on the right path, it was probably the way it was done to the coach 20-30 years ago, so they don't know any better. Coaching has come a long way since then. At the older ages, the kids should be a bit tougher and understand it as a motivating tool for the player and the team. But still coaches should me mindful of the excess. Just look at the master coach of all time, Bill Belichek and you'll see why bully coaching doesn't work.
Overall, bad coaches get easily frustrated, blurt out the first thing on their minds, and are too lazy to remember to discuss it later. Good coaches will remember the fault, talk to the player on the sidelines, or after the game. More often that not, the kid wanted to do the right thing, but made a mistake on the ball or had poor execution. Coaches have to realize that kids are not robots and there is no joy stick for the coach to use. Mistakes happen.

[Unregistered]

The main problem with youth soccer is adults.

It's the main problem in every area of society....

[Unregistered]

You don’t need to raise your kids to be little mindless, subservient, “ yes” people. If the coach is a dick, it’s a good life lesson that some people will be dicks. Teach them to be strong, independent and resilient in the face of such dicks. If the coach is acting out and berating a child, you can teach them to stare the coach down to shame them in front of all the spectators. Call this coach out and stand proud. The kid will be so much better off in the long run. Most likely they will become confident , independent thinkers, that will not be easily phased by adults that try to abuse power over kids. They will recognize when an adult is being a loser, and will less likely be a victim of abuse. And parents, don’t sit there and let a coach berate your kid. Call them out and tell them to F off in front of everybody. I’d bet it will stop. And you owe it to your kid.

[Unregistered]

You don’t need to raise your kids to be little mindless, subservient, “ yes” people. If the coach is a dick, it’s a good life lesson that some people will be dicks. Teach them to be strong, independent and resilient in the face of such dicks. If the coach is acting out and berating a child, you can teach them to stare the coach down to shame them in front of all the spectators. Call this coach out and stand proud. The kid will be so much better off in the long run. Most likely they will become confident , independent thinkers, that will not be easily phased by adults that try to abuse power over kids. They will recognize when an adult is being a loser, and will less likely be a victim of abuse. And parents, don’t sit there and let a coach berate your kid. Call them out and tell them to F off in front of everybody. I’d bet it will stop. And you owe it to your kid.

I’m a bully coach and there’s nothing I enjoy more than having tough guy mom or dad tell me to f off.
I then inform them of how miserable an athlete their kid is and off we go...it’s even more satisfying if I’ve been bonking the mom.
It’s about power over mom and dad, not the kid.

[Unregistered]

You don’t need to raise your kids to be little mindless, subservient, “ yes” people. If the coach is a dick, it’s a good life lesson that some people will be dicks. Teach them to be strong, independent and resilient in the face of such dicks. If the coach is acting out and berating a child, you can teach them to stare the coach down to shame them in front of all the spectators. Call this coach out and stand proud. The kid will be so much better off in the long run. Most likely they will become confident , independent thinkers, that will not be easily phased by adults that try to abuse power over kids. They will recognize when an adult is being a loser, and will less likely be a victim of abuse. And parents, don’t sit there and let a coach berate your kid. Call them out and tell them to F off in front of everybody. I’d bet it will stop. And you owe it to your kid.

All well and good but what if the coach was actually right? I agree berating is unacceptable, but as others have said underneath the delivery there's probably a message the coach is trying to get through. Also, each kid is different and your recommendations are going to be tough for younger players. Finally, if a coach is a dik do you think he'll react well to being told to F off in front of everyone? One of my kids has a very hard nosed coach who happens to be right most of the time. If you talk back you're toast but if you speak with him privately in a reasoned manner he'll at least listen to you and have a conversation. Each situation is different so it's tough to apply universal recommendations. Help your kid figure out some strategies in how to deal with their specific bad situation, even if means flipping the coach off mentally in their heads. As adults they'll need to be able to find ways to deal with aholes at work, inlaws etc

[Unregistered]

You don’t need to raise your kids to be little mindless, subservient, “ yes” people. If the coach is a dick, it’s a good life lesson that some people will be dicks. Teach them to be strong, independent and resilient in the face of such dicks. If the coach is acting out and berating a child, you can teach them to stare the coach down to shame them in front of all the spectators. Call this coach out and stand proud. The kid will be so much better off in the long run. Most likely they will become confident , independent thinkers, that will not be easily phased by adults that try to abuse power over kids. They will recognize when an adult is being a loser, and will less likely be a victim of abuse. And parents, don’t sit there and let a coach berate your kid. Call them out and tell them to F off in front of everybody. I’d bet it will stop. And you owe it to your kid.

This explains a lot in today's society.

Good summary.....

Kid learns to run to mommy whenever there is a problem.

[Unregistered]

This explains a lot in today's society.

Good summary.....

Kid learns to run to mommy whenever there is a problem.

Bring on mommy-please!

[Unregistered]

This explains a lot in today's society.

Good summary.....

Kid learns to run to mommy whenever there is a problem.

Quite the opposite. Maybe your reading comprehension skills are lacking. Kid learns to stand up for themselves, and not take any ****e from adult bums.

[Unregistered]

All well and good but what if the coach was actually right? I agree berating is unacceptable, but as others have said underneath the delivery there's probably a message the coach is trying to get through. Also, each kid is different and your recommendations are going to be tough for younger players. Finally, if a coach is a dik do you think he'll react well to being told to F off in front of everyone? One of my kids has a very hard nosed coach who happens to be right most of the time. If you talk back you're toast but if you speak with him privately in a reasoned manner he'll at least listen to you and have a conversation. Each situation is different so it's tough to apply universal recommendations. Help your kid figure out some strategies in how to deal with their specific bad situation, even if means flipping the coach off mentally in their heads. As adults they'll need to be able to find ways to deal with aholes at work, inlaws etc

You let them have power over you ? Not a good strategy. What do you mean by toast. Chances are that coach is a loser, and the kid needs to know the difference.

[Unregistered]

This explains a lot in today's society.

Good summary.....

Kid learns to run to mommy whenever there is a problem.

Catholic priests may have agreed with you.

[Unregistered]

You let them have power over you ? Not a good strategy. What do you mean by toast. Chances are that coach is a loser, and the kid needs to know the difference.

Kids can have power in their own way. Publicly yelling back at a coach probably won't be effective and will probably have consequences. Of course the coach is a loser but stooping to their level won't get you anywhere.

Age matters too - you can't expect a 12 year old to do what a prior poster advocated. Sixteen is different.

[Unregistered]

You let them have power over you ? Not a good strategy. What do you mean by toast. Chances are that coach is a loser, and the kid needs to know the difference.

I agree that kids need to learn the difference between good and bad coaches (or anybody in authority) and communicate with their parents. It’s a lesson not just for their immediate safety in the worst scenario, but also for as they get older. You don’t learn anything from a bully other than to keep away from them, whether that’s in soccer, college, or in the workplace.