Dealing with Toxic Teammates

[Unregistered]

Not the poster but some coaches are simply clueless to inter-team dynamics. Male coaches especially don't always get how teenage girls operate (and this was true even before the advent of social media and all the darkness that brings). Parent(s) need to bring it to the attention of coaches. They may find the coach

1) was aware but wasn't sure what to do/may be planning to do something
2) was aware and just doesn't care
3) or as I said just oblivious

Walk away from #2. If #1 or #3 give it some time to improve to play out, and in the meanwhile help coach your kid on how to deal with it. There's no one size fits all here, it really depends on your child's personality. Also make sure you're looking into options for next year in case it's needed.

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A 25-30 year old club coach who has no kids of their own, and no child psych training, is simply not someone who is going to jump in and help solve tween/teen problems. And, if they tried, they likely would make things worse. What a parent can do though is give their kid simple strategies to defuse and avoid obviously adverse situations, while, at the same time, helping their kid to get better sport wise, and emotionally. Again -- the really nice thing about sports at this age is that there really is no need at all for any continuing interaction off the field. You show up 15-30 minutes before practice. You work warming up -- maybe with some kid or kids you get along with, but if not, by yourself. You practice hard for 90-120 minutes working to blow the doors off in everything (your kid may well be surprised on how that gets noticed by the coach and, eventually, by the other kids). Then you pick up your bag and go home. Rinse, wash, repeat. Do the same at games. Show up -- warm up -- play super hard -- go home. Coaches love, love, love that attitude.

What do parents of the kid do while their kid is doing this? Help them with advice/strategies on dealing with others without expending any, or very little, emotional effort. And, at the same time, help them with getting appropriate additional training to keep getting better. It is very, very important to keep in mind that 75% of all training, and 100% of all conditioning, is done outside of team practices and games. We hired a good local high school player to help our daughter at age 11 with general skills improvement. We shared the cost and with another kid's family who was pretty close in talent/ability. The girls were friendly but did not go to the same school until high school. They worked for 90 minutes twice a week on a school field when the weather was warm enough to be outside. They worked once week in a school gym during the winter. (Must have worked out as both our daughter and her friend ended up playing 4 years in college, and both are still friends with each other, and with their then instructor.)

I would note -- this is something we learned with our oldest when he decided at 14 that he really wanted to focus on pitching. I fished around and found a place where he could take pitching lessons from a retired major league pitching coach. What I learned there was that pretty much every kid in the area who wanted to be a good high school pitcher was already working with that place, or somewhere like it. So -- that was a wake up call, and we got his younger sister involved with instruction at an earlier age.

Mind you -- sports was not everything, but kids have a lot of time. They can do all that and still have time to goof around and do well in school. I would note though: A very important parent thing here is to NOT get wedded to any particular sport or activity. As a parent you really need to be logical here. If your kid is not physically cut out for a particular sport, or obviously wants to focus on other things -- let them. Soccer is a sport for fast kids. I swear that my daughter made top level club teams more because she was flat out fast than for her soccer skills. We kid, but with some justification, that the tryouts for the top 2 teams in the area could have consisted of a 50 yard dash where the first 18 kids across the line made the team. The best players at 9 are not the best players at 12. And, the best players at 12 are not the best players at 16 -- but at each age the best players are always fast for their age.

That does not mean that your kid cannot enjoy playing soccer if they are not fast, or any sport if they are not one of the best. Of course they can. But, it also means that you, as a parent, should be working to help them identify and develop other interests and talents where your kid can excel -- and one of the big things to develop is an interest in trying new things, and the knowledge that excelling takes time and effort.

[Unregistered]

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A 25-30 year old club coach who has no kids of their own, and no child psych training, is simply not someone who is going to jump in and help solve tween/teen problems. And, if they tried, they likely would make things worse. What a parent can do though is give their kid simple strategies to defuse and avoid obviously adverse situations, while, at the same time, helping their kid to get better sport wise, and emotionally. Again -- the really nice thing about sports at this age is that there really is no need at all for any continuing interaction off the field. You show up 15-30 minutes before practice. You work warming up -- maybe with some kid or kids you get along with, but if not, by yourself. You practice hard for 90-120 minutes working to blow the doors off in everything (your kid may well be surprised on how that gets noticed by the coach and, eventually, by the other kids). Then you pick up your bag and go home. Rinse, wash, repeat. Do the same at games. Show up -- warm up -- play super hard -- go home. Coaches love, love, love that attitude.

What do parents of the kid do while their kid is doing this? Help them with advice/strategies on dealing with others without expending any, or very little, emotional effort. And, at the same time, help them with getting appropriate additional training to keep getting better. It is very, very important to keep in mind that 75% of all training, and 100% of all conditioning, is done outside of team practices and games. We hired a good local high school player to help our daughter at age 11 with general skills improvement. We shared the cost and with another kid's family who was pretty close in talent/ability. The girls were friendly but did not go to the same school until high school. They worked for 90 minutes twice a week on a school field when the weather was warm enough to be outside. They worked once week in a school gym during the winter. (Must have worked out as both our daughter and her friend ended up playing 4 years in college, and both are still friends with each other, and with their then instructor.)

I would note -- this is something we learned with our oldest when he decided at 14 that he really wanted to focus on pitching. I fished around and found a place where he could take pitching lessons from a retired major league pitching coach. What I learned there was that pretty much every kid in the area who wanted to be a good high school pitcher was already working with that place, or somewhere like it. So -- that was a wake up call, and we got his younger sister involved with instruction at an earlier age.

Mind you -- sports was not everything, but kids have a lot of time. They can do all that and still have time to goof around and do well in school. I would note though: A very important parent thing here is to NOT get wedded to any particular sport or activity. As a parent you really need to be logical here. If your kid is not physically cut out for a particular sport, or obviously wants to focus on other things -- let them. Soccer is a sport for fast kids. I swear that my daughter made top level club teams more because she was flat out fast than for her soccer skills. We kid, but with some justification, that the tryouts for the top 2 teams in the area could have consisted of a 50 yard dash where the first 18 kids across the line made the team. The best players at 9 are not the best players at 12. And, the best players at 12 are not the best players at 16 -- but at each age the best players are always fast for their age.

That does not mean that your kid cannot enjoy playing soccer if they are not fast, or any sport if they are not one of the best. Of course they can. But, it also means that you, as a parent, should be working to help them identify and develop other interests and talents where your kid can excel -- and one of the big things to develop is an interest in trying new things, and the knowledge that excelling takes time and effort.

Good stuff, thank you for sharing.

[Unregistered]

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A 25-30 year old club coach who has no kids of their own, and no child psych training, is simply not someone who is going to jump in and help solve tween/teen problems. And, if they tried, they likely would make things worse. What a parent can do though is give their kid simple strategies to defuse and avoid obviously adverse situations, while, at the same time, helping their kid to get better sport wise, and emotionally. Again -- the really nice thing about sports at this age is that there really is no need at all for any continuing interaction off the field. You show up 15-30 minutes before practice. You work warming up -- maybe with some kid or kids you get along with, but if not, by yourself. You practice hard for 90-120 minutes working to blow the doors off in everything (your kid may well be surprised on how that gets noticed by the coach and, eventually, by the other kids). Then you pick up your bag and go home. Rinse, wash, repeat. Do the same at games. Show up -- warm up -- play super hard -- go home. Coaches love, love, love that attitude.

What do parents of the kid do while their kid is doing this? Help them with advice/strategies on dealing with others without expending any, or very little, emotional effort. And, at the same time, help them with getting appropriate additional training to keep getting better. It is very, very important to keep in mind that 75% of all training, and 100% of all conditioning, is done outside of team practices and games. We hired a good local high school player to help our daughter at age 11 with general skills improvement. We shared the cost and with another kid's family who was pretty close in talent/ability. The girls were friendly but did not go to the same school until high school. They worked for 90 minutes twice a week on a school field when the weather was warm enough to be outside. They worked once week in a school gym during the winter. (Must have worked out as both our daughter and her friend ended up playing 4 years in college, and both are still friends with each other, and with their then instructor.)

I would note -- this is something we learned with our oldest when he decided at 14 that he really wanted to focus on pitching. I fished around and found a place where he could take pitching lessons from a retired major league pitching coach. What I learned there was that pretty much every kid in the area who wanted to be a good high school pitcher was already working with that place, or somewhere like it. So -- that was a wake up call, and we got his younger sister involved with instruction at an earlier age.

Mind you -- sports was not everything, but kids have a lot of time. They can do all that and still have time to goof around and do well in school. I would note though: A very important parent thing here is to NOT get wedded to any particular sport or activity. As a parent you really need to be logical here. If your kid is not physically cut out for a particular sport, or obviously wants to focus on other things -- let them. Soccer is a sport for fast kids. I swear that my daughter made top level club teams more because she was flat out fast than for her soccer skills. We kid, but with some justification, that the tryouts for the top 2 teams in the area could have consisted of a 50 yard dash where the first 18 kids across the line made the team. The best players at 9 are not the best players at 12. And, the best players at 12 are not the best players at 16 -- but at each age the best players are always fast for their age.

That does not mean that your kid cannot enjoy playing soccer if they are not fast, or any sport if they are not one of the best. Of course they can. But, it also means that you, as a parent, should be working to help them identify and develop other interests and talents where your kid can excel -- and one of the big things to develop is an interest in trying new things, and the knowledge that excelling takes time and effort.

I don't disagree with anything the above poster has said. I'll add that "fast" has different dimensions in soccer and that coaches just concerned with straight line speed over 50 or 100 yards don't know the game very well. 11v11 requires endurance, especially for midfielders. You need to be able to perform multiple sprints over the course of a match, so endurance and recovery are important. Most soccer sprints are over 10-20 yards, with changes of direction and pace. Better proxies for "speed" and fitness for soccer are the Pacer test, interval sprints and 5-10-15 sprints.

My kid wasn't the fastest in grade school or middle school. In fact, I had a DoC once tell me my kid wasn't athletic enough to play on the top team in the region (this was around middle school). She was technical, smart and strong, just not particularly fast at that point. She plays up a year as a U17 in ECNL now. She still isn't the fastest on the field, but it's a moving target as the level and age she plays it has some of the most athletic kids on the pitch. The point I'm trying to make is that one, just because your kid isn't the "fastest", doesn't mean you can't work to get leaner/stronger/more explosive and more fit. Speed, power and fast twitch muscles can be improved. Also, just because you weren't "fast" at 7 or 12 doesn't mean your kid won't be fast at 17. Puberty is the great equalizer, though for girls, it is counterbalanced with the dreaded three B's that tend to ruin soccer performance.

[Unregistered]

I don't disagree with anything the above poster has said. I'll add that "fast" has different dimensions in soccer and that coaches just concerned with straight line speed over 50 or 100 yards don't know the game very well. 11v11 requires endurance, especially for midfielders. You need to be able to perform multiple sprints over the course of a match, so endurance and recovery are important. Most soccer sprints are over 10-20 yards, with changes of direction and pace. Better proxies for "speed" and fitness for soccer are the Pacer test, interval sprints and 5-10-15 sprints.

My kid wasn't the fastest in grade school or middle school. In fact, I had a DoC once tell me my kid wasn't athletic enough to play on the top team in the region (this was around middle school). She was technical, smart and strong, just not particularly fast at that point. She plays up a year as a U17 in ECNL now. She still isn't the fastest on the field, but it's a moving target as the level and age she plays it has some of the most athletic kids on the pitch. The point I'm trying to make is that one, just because your kid isn't the "fastest", doesn't mean you can't work to get leaner/stronger/more explosive and more fit. Speed, power and fast twitch muscles can be improved. Also, just because you weren't "fast" at 7 or 12 doesn't mean your kid won't be fast at 17. Puberty is the great equalizer, though for girls, it is counterbalanced with the dreaded three B's that tend to ruin soccer performance.

You make great points for sure. What are the 3 B's?

[Unregistered]

I don't disagree with anything the above poster has said. I'll add that "fast" has different dimensions in soccer and that coaches just concerned with straight line speed over 50 or 100 yards don't know the game very well. 11v11 requires endurance, especially for midfielders. You need to be able to perform multiple sprints over the course of a match, so endurance and recovery are important. Most soccer sprints are over 10-20 yards, with changes of direction and pace. Better proxies for "speed" and fitness for soccer are the Pacer test, interval sprints and 5-10-15 sprints.

My kid wasn't the fastest in grade school or middle school. In fact, I had a DoC once tell me my kid wasn't athletic enough to play on the top team in the region (this was around middle school). She was technical, smart and strong, just not particularly fast at that point. She plays up a year as a U17 in ECNL now. She still isn't the fastest on the field, but it's a moving target as the level and age she plays it has some of the most athletic kids on the pitch. The point I'm trying to make is that one, just because your kid isn't the "fastest", doesn't mean you can't work to get leaner/stronger/more explosive and more fit. Speed, power and fast twitch muscles can be improved. Also, just because you weren't "fast" at 7 or 12 doesn't mean your kid won't be fast at 17. Puberty is the great equalizer, though for girls, it is counterbalanced with the dreaded three B's that tend to ruin soccer performance.

I would add that while speed is great, it is not the most important attribute at every position and something i think that is overvalued in some spots by american soccer coaches. Sorry, I want kids in the middle who think quick and know what to do with the ball. My daughter's college coach just puts the fastest kids at every position .... its awful to watch ... especially since my daughter's team often isnt the fastest one on the field. Now, they arent the best soccer players or smartest team either and struggle to do simple things .... like retaining the round thing, defending, and getting shots; other than that, its great.

[Unregistered]

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A 25-30 year old club coach who has no kids of their own, and no child psych training, is simply not someone who is going to jump in and help solve tween/teen problems. And, if they tried, they likely would make things worse. What a parent can do though is give their kid simple strategies to defuse and avoid obviously adverse situations, while, at the same time, helping their kid to get better sport wise, and emotionally. Again -- the really nice thing about sports at this age is that there really is no need at all for any continuing interaction off the field. You show up 15-30 minutes before practice. You work warming up -- maybe with some kid or kids you get along with, but if not, by yourself. You practice hard for 90-120 minutes working to blow the doors off in everything (your kid may well be surprised on how that gets noticed by the coach and, eventually, by the other kids). Then you pick up your bag and go home. Rinse, wash, repeat. Do the same at games. Show up -- warm up -- play super hard -- go home. Coaches love, love, love that attitude.

What do parents of the kid do while their kid is doing this? Help them with advice/strategies on dealing with others without expending any, or very little, emotional effort. And, at the same time, help them with getting appropriate additional training to keep getting better. It is very, very important to keep in mind that 75% of all training, and 100% of all conditioning, is done outside of team practices and games. We hired a good local high school player to help our daughter at age 11 with general skills improvement. We shared the cost and with another kid's family who was pretty close in talent/ability. The girls were friendly but did not go to the same school until high school. They worked for 90 minutes twice a week on a school field when the weather was warm enough to be outside. They worked once week in a school gym during the winter. (Must have worked out as both our daughter and her friend ended up playing 4 years in college, and both are still friends with each other, and with their then instructor.)

I would note -- this is something we learned with our oldest when he decided at 14 that he really wanted to focus on pitching. I fished around and found a place where he could take pitching lessons from a retired major league pitching coach. What I learned there was that pretty much every kid in the area who wanted to be a good high school pitcher was already working with that place, or somewhere like it. So -- that was a wake up call, and we got his younger sister involved with instruction at an earlier age.

Mind you -- sports was not everything, but kids have a lot of time. They can do all that and still have time to goof around and do well in school. I would note though: A very important parent thing here is to NOT get wedded to any particular sport or activity. As a parent you really need to be logical here. If your kid is not physically cut out for a particular sport, or obviously wants to focus on other things -- let them. Soccer is a sport for fast kids. I swear that my daughter made top level club teams more because she was flat out fast than for her soccer skills. We kid, but with some justification, that the tryouts for the top 2 teams in the area could have consisted of a 50 yard dash where the first 18 kids across the line made the team. The best players at 9 are not the best players at 12. And, the best players at 12 are not the best players at 16 -- but at each age the best players are always fast for their age.

That does not mean that your kid cannot enjoy playing soccer if they are not fast, or any sport if they are not one of the best. Of course they can. But, it also means that you, as a parent, should be working to help them identify and develop other interests and talents where your kid can excel -- and one of the big things to develop is an interest in trying new things, and the knowledge that excelling takes time and effort.

I think this post is terrific, but I disagree with your blanket statement about "...best players at 9 are not the best players at 12..." etc. I think you should qualify that somewhat, because in my experience the best players at 9 were still the best players at 12, and the majority of them were still the best players at 16 and 19 too. Sure there were a few kids who were good players at U-little that dropped by the wayside, never developed, or got smacked by puberty.

But for the teams my daughters were around the kids that were obviously way more athletic and competitive at the youngest ages (not just early growers) kept getting better and maintained those advantages through high school. A few other kids joined them when puberty turned out to be a blessing - but I don't recall any of the kids who became D1 recruits coming out of nowhere; they were good athletes all along. When my kids and their peers left town programs to join various clubs and then got back together for their high school careers - the dominant players were the same kids that were dominant as travel players and went on to become the all-conference players, all state, off to play in college, etc. Some young studs do drop out, but any kid who is a stud at 18 was probably also a stud at 8.

[Unregistered]

I would add that while speed is great, it is not the most important attribute at every position and something i think that is overvalued in some spots by american soccer coaches. Sorry, I want kids in the middle who think quick and know what to do with the ball. My daughter's college coach just puts the fastest kids at every position .... its awful to watch ... especially since my daughter's team often isnt the fastest one on the field. Now, they arent the best soccer players or smartest team either and struggle to do simple things .... like retaining the round thing, defending, and getting shots; other than that, its great.

I couldn't agree more. I think the players who are super technical and tactical are more valuable than those with speed and those without those things. The Usain Bolt experiment is a perfect example. Speed without talent is JUST speed. I like the smart players who are able to be agile and quick on and off the ball with their thinking. Speed is a great tool but I take an all around player over a track star every day of the week.

[Unregistered]

I think this post is terrific, but I disagree with your blanket statement about "...best players at 9 are not the best players at 12..." etc. I think you should qualify that somewhat, because in my experience the best players at 9 were still the best players at 12, and the majority of them were still the best players at 16 and 19 too. Sure there were a few kids who were good players at U-little that dropped by the wayside, never developed, or got smacked by puberty.

But for the teams my daughters were around the kids that were obviously way more athletic and competitive at the youngest ages (not just early growers) kept getting better and maintained those advantages through high school. A few other kids joined them when puberty turned out to be a blessing - but I don't recall any of the kids who became D1 recruits coming out of nowhere; they were good athletes all along. When my kids and their peers left town programs to join various clubs and then got back together for their high school careers - the dominant players were the same kids that were dominant as travel players and went on to become the all-conference players, all state, off to play in college, etc. Some young studs do drop out, but any kid who is a stud at 18 was probably also a stud at 8.

Been down this road myself on the men's side and saw it happen with my first daughter and seeing it happen with the second. Development is not a straight line up and early bloomers do burn out for varying reasons while the kids who were told no or you are too small, too slow etc. continue to work harder and work on not sit back. Those who were great at 10 are not great or gone by 14. Same going from 14 to 18.

I guess everyone's mileage is different.

[Unregistered]

Been down this road myself on the men's side and saw it happen with my first daughter and seeing it happen with the second. Development is not a straight line up and early bloomers do burn out for varying reasons while the kids who were told no or you are too small, too slow etc. continue to work harder and work on not sit back. Those who were great at 10 are not great or gone by 14. Same going from 14 to 18.

I guess everyone's mileage is different.

Sure, we can all find examples of the "can't miss" kid at age 8 who was no longer playing by age 14. Burnout is real. So is the see-saw of puberty, where some kids lose their athleticism and other kids catch up or go flying past them.

Here's what else is real: having a superior athlete fall in love with the sport and dedicate herself to soccer at a young age, quit other sports by middle school, benefit by getting better opportunities and playing on top teams throughout the development years, get invited to camps and elite training due to her combined skill and athleticism, and never give up her "advantage" right through high school and into college. I know a bunch of those kids who were good all the way along the path, and one of them happens to be in my house.

While I know that these "out of nowhere" kids do exist, I have never personally seen a stud high school player that I watched grow up and been surprised that she somehow got that good -- there was always evidence of her talent along the way. I've seen it in basketball and softball, but not in soccer.

[Unregistered]

Sure, we can all find examples of the "can't miss" kid at age 8 who was no longer playing by age 14. Burnout is real. So is the see-saw of puberty, where some kids lose their athleticism and other kids catch up or go flying past them.

Here's what else is real: having a superior athlete fall in love with the sport and dedicate herself to soccer at a young age, quit other sports by middle school, benefit by getting better opportunities and playing on top teams throughout the development years, get invited to camps and elite training due to her combined skill and athleticism, and never give up her "advantage" right through high school and into college. I know a bunch of those kids who were good all the way along the path, and one of them happens to be in my house.

While I know that these "out of nowhere" kids do exist, I have never personally seen a stud high school player that I watched grow up and been surprised that she somehow got that good -- there was always evidence of her talent along the way. I've seen it in basketball and softball, but not in soccer.

Talk about "your mileage may vary" ;)

[Unregistered]

Hi All,

Our 11 y/o daughter is on her third year with the same team and they are a talented group no doubt. However there are 2-3 kids who are creating issues for the team in the form of toxic behavior. It just so happens the 2-3 kids have parents who are difficult on the sidelines to opposing teams, refs and sometimes to the other parents on the team. The coach is very intense and I don't think he has helped this ongoing issue that continues to get worse on the other girls. We believe he will not be the coach next year and are sort of keeping low and trying to keep our daughter's morale up.

Approaching the coach really does not seem like an option because as I briefly stated is likely a part of the problem. Its terribly frustrating to hear about the behavior these kids get a way with and its even tougher when they turn their attention on our daughter. I will add that two of the girls are likely in the top 5 and the other girl is ranked in the bottom 3-5. Our daughter is somewhere in the middle.

I am sure some of you have dealt with this with your children. Do we just let it be and support our child to take away the positives or do we get with the other fed up parents and go to the coach? Again the coach is some ways is encouraging this all (too many scenarios to list to support all of our belief that he is part of the problem).

I will add our daughter is quiet and does not like to be part of drama.

Thank you.

Been there. In hind sight, waited too long to get out and to less toxic team. At 11, RUN to a team that is less toxic where she’ll have fun and play a lot. She’ll develop much more! Then by about 8th grade, if she’s outgrown the team and wants/needs a better team, go shopping for that. With girls, the earlier she switches teams, the longer she has to build friendships with the new team’s players and coaches.

[Unregistered]

Hi All,

Our 11 y/o daughter is on her third year with the same team and they are a talented group no doubt. However there are 2-3 kids who are creating issues for the team in the form of toxic behavior. It just so happens the 2-3 kids have parents who are difficult on the sidelines to opposing teams, refs and sometimes to the other parents on the team. The coach is very intense and I don't think he has helped this ongoing issue that continues to get worse on the other girls. We believe he will not be the coach next year and are sort of keeping low and trying to keep our daughter's morale up.

Approaching the coach really does not seem like an option because as I briefly stated is likely a part of the problem. Its terribly frustrating to hear about the behavior these kids get a way with and its even tougher when they turn their attention on our daughter. I will add that two of the girls are likely in the top 5 and the other girl is ranked in the bottom 3-5. Our daughter is somewhere in the middle.

I am sure some of you have dealt with this with your children. Do we just let it be and support our child to take away the positives or do we get with the other fed up parents and go to the coach? Again the coach is some ways is encouraging this all (too many scenarios to list to support all of our belief that he is part of the problem).

I will add our daughter is quiet and does not like to be part of drama.

Thank you.

So glad to have found this thread. Dealing with this right now on our younger daughters team. Parents are the main problem and kids are following their behavior on and off the field. Also the coach is best mates with the family of one of the biggest problem kids. In our case we are advising our daughter to give back what she gets from the problem kids. They are not respectful and they don’t know the first thing about being part of a team.

[Unregistered]

What happened?