Mentally Abusive Coaches

[Guest]

I am of the school that emotional development is no different than physical and academic development. Resistance training is necessary to build emotional strength and resilience.
Many of today's mental health issues just may be due to a lack of resistance training and emotional development. There is always a line when pushing oneself (or others) too far causes injury, but simply making someone feel uncomfortable does not constitute abuse.

OP primary complaint is that his D lost playing time and coach has refused to communicate. Not clear, did she communicate her injury? I inferred that she tried to play through it.
Secondary complaint is that coach admonished player for her play in front of the team. This is a u17 college-committed player.

I empathize with their situation. I suspect we have all struggled with the decision to stay quiet and play through it or disclose it and risk immediate PT hit.
I also know that the "verbally committed" period is an anxious one. Player appears to be experiencing a pretty normal range of emotions associated with staying healthy and keeping starting spot on an elite team. Players indeed lose confidence during these moments. Some parents choose to be supportive and help them grow through it, others point fingers at the coach.

[Guest]

Today's teenagers are not the same teenagers of 10 years ago, never mind 30/40/50 years ago.
They are far less likely to take abuse from a coach and keep quiet. THAT is a good thing.

Totally agree, but what exactly is the abuse?

[Guest]

Didn't the OP admit the daughter was slacking in practice. I'd bench her too. Maybe she's a prima donna that deserves a dose of reality.

[Guest]

Didn't the OP admit the daughter was slacking in practice. I'd bench her too. Maybe she's a prima donna that deserves a dose of reality.

Why not tell her that? I don't see what's wrong with coaches being good communicators. Be clear, concise, direct with your expectations. Communicate your Concern, how it is Impacting the team, what you perceive to be the Solution to the problem, and how that will Benefit the team (and player). With CISB, there can be no misunderstanding or misplaced expectation. HOW you deliver it doesn't matter, just deliver it.

[Guest]

OK time to move on from this rabbit hole. Have neither the desire nor patience, nor typing ability, to get into it further and it’s not really relevant to the point of the post.

Different poster. But clearly we are getting one side of the story. What is the other side? Can you objectively come up with any reasons why your daughter has been benched? Injury, recent poor play, bad attitude, ascendency of another player, anything at all? There has to be a reason, and she or you have to have some awareness of it. Coaches don't bench D1 commits without a reason. Next, has she tried to initiate the conversation? Have you tried to take the conversation to the DOC? Take away the bullying aspect of it (for the sake of analysis, not to relieve blame), some people/coaches are just really bad communicators (anyone remember Bobby Valentine?). Are you/she able to bridge the communication issue?
I fully acknowledge that there are bully-coaches, but I also know that there are 'never-at-fault parents'. Help us to know the objective story (ie 'get into it further') so that we can form proper opinions

[Guest]

Mental abuse doesn’t need to be screaming at someone. It could be just a change that left a player out with no explanation why. Tough to leave a team who you love your teammates and competition, just get intimated by a male supposed authority twice your age.

Want the kid to learn not to run at the first conflict, but when it goes beyond that? And beyond ratting them out and those potential ramifications not much to do

That is far too liberal a use of 'mental abuse'. It is poor communication for sure, but not 'abuse'. You diminish real abuse by lowering the standard.

[Guest]

Most have a English accent I presume. Bunch of wankers/twats

^xenophobic

[Guest]

Everyone is an aggreived party these days. It is a sad state of affairs.

[Guest]

^xenophobic

I got a pair of two words for you...
Ted Lasso
Jesse Marsch

[Guest]

Why not tell her that? I don't see what's wrong with coaches being good communicators. Be clear, concise, direct with your expectations. Communicate your Concern, how it is Impacting the team, what you perceive to be the Solution to the problem, and how that will Benefit the team (and player). With CISB, there can be no misunderstanding or misplaced expectation. HOW you deliver it doesn't matter, just deliver it.

If the D cannot communicate that she is injured, it is hypocritical to complain about the coaches communication. When a kid is injured, they slow down, effort and effectiveness goes down. Without knowing about the injury, the kid can often times just look disengaged, complacent or at worst, lazy. These are qualities that a coach definitely should be calling out. If you want the coach to be consistent with his approach and playing time, the kid needs to be consistent with her efforts, which does not happen with injury. You should step back, communicate properly with the coach and see if the the situation re-sets. Doesn't sound like you had a problem with the coach prior to being benched (aka prior to withholding info about an injury that is serious enough to go to an ortho). Take your angst and anger out of the situation, and objectively look at this. Strong correlation from injury to playing time.

[Guest]

I actually went back and re-read this thread from the beginning. 2 conclusions
OP is a mom, or prefers to present as one
this is hysteria not abuse

[Guest]

That is far too liberal a use of 'mental abuse'. It is poor communication for sure, but not 'abuse'. You diminish real abuse by lowering the standard.

What is Mental Abuse?


Mental abuse is the use of threats, verbal insults, and other more subtle tactics to control a person’s way of thinking. This form of abuse is especially disturbing because it is tailored to destroy self-esteem and confidence and undermine a personal sense of reality or competence.

Six Signs of Mental Abuse:
Name Calling - Abusive words are a common tactic used by abusers to ridicule and demean.
Humiliation - Another common thread across mentally abusive relationships is the amount of humiliation endured. As a way to show control, an abuser can poke fun at everything from insecurities, to changes in appearance
Withholding Affection - To get in a victim’s head, abusers will often withhold love, attention, praise, or their presence from a partner, child, or other individuals. This is to gain control or otherwise punish for whatever reason.
Making Threats - Whether it is to leave the relationship, take the children away, or recommend for a demotion — mental abuse will often use threats to gain control over another.
Turning Tables - N/A
Indifference - One of the hallmarks of mental abuse is a lack of concern shown by abusers. Victims may be moved to tears or struggle with pain caused by the actions of supposed loved ones. This doesn’t faze an abuser and might even trigger more anger.

To put these in club coaching venacular (I've seen/heard these all before):

Name Calling - "Sit down you pansy if you aren't going to play hard"
Humiliation - "How many times do I have to tell you before you start to get it right?" Screamed from 60 yards away
Withholding Affection - Player walks off the field after being hauled off, and coach intently turns their head away
Making Threats - "If you don't start to get it you can sit there and rot for all I care"
Indifference - Watching a player having a bad game and completely ignoring them. Or, benching a player with no discussion over why



I dunno, seems to apply to me. Abuse is often in the eye of the receiver. While I am loathe to say I need to change how I act because my words may trigger you, I am willing to be open to how my words didn't meet their intention. i.e. as a listener, I can only listen to what I hear. So, if the message is unclear, that's on the sender not the receiver. Hence, be clear with your communications and what you intend to portray. If there is a question, take the time to clear it up. It's not "whenever you say 'purple elephant' that gives me PTSD". The communicator would have no way to know that, and it's also unreasonable for them to change their wording because, in of itself, the words are not abusive. But, if you intend to say "you have slacked off and it's affecting the team, and we need more from you". But, instead you say "you suck", the player will hear "I suck" not "I can and have to do better".

[Guest]

Listen you weak-ash jag-off of a parent. Your kid's skills have diminished along with her PT. For the first time in Mia's soccer career, she has to deal with a little adversity and her role being challenged along with YOUR identify. Welcome to the world you flipping cry-baby.
Man-up and ask start taking responsibility for the fact that she was less than 100% ready physically and less than 100% forthright about her injuries that were obviously serious enough for her to see an ortho. Quick Question: Was it an Ortho... Pedist? or Dontist? Mayber her teeth are as crooked as your lies. We have taken the time to gather 6 pages of information on TS over the last two days. My conclusion is that you are over-reacting and while the coach certainly has areas for improvement, you need to start taking accountability for your own actions, and responsibility for engaging with the college coach and eliminating whatever anxieties you have over that $150K scholarship. If your kid is worth 50% Tuition to a D1 coach, she better be ready to take some feedback that comes roughly packaged.

[Guest]

^^ So we have a great example of the shame that goes with mental illness, and how (not) to combat it. Well done tough guy. Took a while to draw you out of your hole, but I knew you'd appear. Filth like you always do.

[Guest]

What is Mental Abuse?


Mental abuse is the use of threats, verbal insults, and other more subtle tactics to control a person’s way of thinking. This form of abuse is especially disturbing because it is tailored to destroy self-esteem and confidence and undermine a personal sense of reality or competence.

Six Signs of Mental Abuse:
Name Calling - Abusive words are a common tactic used by abusers to ridicule and demean.
Humiliation - Another common thread across mentally abusive relationships is the amount of humiliation endured. As a way to show control, an abuser can poke fun at everything from insecurities, to changes in appearance
Withholding Affection - To get in a victim’s head, abusers will often withhold love, attention, praise, or their presence from a partner, child, or other individuals. This is to gain control or otherwise punish for whatever reason.
Making Threats - Whether it is to leave the relationship, take the children away, or recommend for a demotion — mental abuse will often use threats to gain control over another.
Turning Tables - N/A
Indifference - One of the hallmarks of mental abuse is a lack of concern shown by abusers. Victims may be moved to tears or struggle with pain caused by the actions of supposed loved ones. This doesn’t faze an abuser and might even trigger more anger.

To put these in club coaching venacular (I've seen/heard these all before):

Name Calling - "Sit down you pansy if you aren't going to play hard"
Humiliation - "How many times do I have to tell you before you start to get it right?" Screamed from 60 yards away
Withholding Affection - Player walks off the field after being hauled off, and coach intently turns their head away
Making Threats - "If you don't start to get it you can sit there and rot for all I care"
Indifference - Watching a player having a bad game and completely ignoring them. Or, benching a player with no discussion over why



I dunno, seems to apply to me. Abuse is often in the eye of the receiver. While I am loathe to say I need to change how I act because my words may trigger you, I am willing to be open to how my words didn't meet their intention. i.e. as a listener, I can only listen to what I hear. So, if the message is unclear, that's on the sender not the receiver. Hence, be clear with your communications and what you intend to portray. If there is a question, take the time to clear it up. It's not "whenever you say 'purple elephant' that gives me PTSD". The communicator would have no way to know that, and it's also unreasonable for them to change their wording because, in of itself, the words are not abusive. But, if you intend to say "you have slacked off and it's affecting the team, and we need more from you". But, instead you say "you suck", the player will hear "I suck" not "I can and have to do better".

OMG is this nonsense or what. Above is merely a catalog of the tools humans employ to convey negative emotions.
I would bet that EVERY SINGLE ONE of these "Six Signs" are experienced in almost every committed relationship over the course of a year.
Are we all abused? abusers?